Update and restart

I found a song that feels like where my heart is right now.  M (soon-to-be maybe ex hub) showed up at my door early December, drunk - crying, miserable and begging me to "let's just make it through the holidays together, and then we'll figure all the rest out".

I let him in to hear what he had to say, even though i didn't much want to talk to him.  I confronted him about the hotel stay the night after I left, and he admitted that he had in fact met a woman there and had sex with her. Told me he felt rejected, insecure and abandoned and needed to prove that someone wanted him. So he calls the woman he met at a bar and that (turns out) he's been "talking to" off and on since I left him last May.  She meets him at the hotel, they have sex, and she goes home and he hasn't talked to her since (supposedly).  As he was telling me all this, with me asking few questions about details (which as usual he skirted around the answers without giving away too many details)...I just felt numb. I didn't feel a thing, except satisfaction that I now knew for sure what I'd suspected for a while. It was so weird to me that I didn't even cry - still haven't.  I felt like I SHOULD be devastated - after all, here was my "line" that I had told myself would be IT for me if he ever crossed it (physical infidelity) and I felt nothing at the time, just wanted him out of my apartment. When he left, I went to bed, went to sleep and slept like a baby.

The next night we met for dinner to "talk it out".  I had every intention of walking away for good that night. Instead, we left the restaurant, went to a bar, and proceeded to get very drunk.  We stayed at the bar from 7 pm - 3 am, drinking and dancing , and I ended up staying with him at a hotel that night and having sex with him for hours.  I believe something in me wanted to just prove that I'm better and more fun than whatever other woman he's been with and to show him what he's missing by not being with me? how sick is that?



So we decide to just not make any decisions about us until after the holidays.  We made counseling appointments, we talked about getting back into church and a recovery program for both of us (never happened).

I spent the holidays telling myself that what's done is done, we can start over and work together to have a good marriage. We both seemed eager and willing to do this.  Every time the image of him with another woman would come up in my head, I would block it out, tell myself that it didn't matter, didn't mean anything.  He said he would "work on doing better" about the porn use (whatever that meant).  I made excuses for him, justified his bad behavior again and again, and just kept pretending that everything was ok.

The day after Christmas, I looked at the history on his laptop.  I couldn't help it. I had kept my end of the bargain, to "help us have a good holiday together" and once that was gone, there was no reason for me to pretend anymore.  So the internet history logs showed just how much he had been "working on" his porn use.  There were pages and pages of porn sites, adult friend finder registration, women's profiles from match.com that he'd viewed, and this stuff was taking place every.single.day.  So the "truce" (or my willingness to just let things slide) was off, and things went down hill quickly from there. 

Since that time (last week in December) we've been off and on as far as "being together". We'll have a blow up about something, spend a few days not seeing each other or talking and then as usual one or the other of us will give in and contact the other and it's on again from there. We've been to one marriage counseling appt and each of us an individual appt. We have another couples therapy appt for next week, but I think he's going to be working out of town, and I honestly just don't see the point in going.  We go round and round and round about the same things, and nothing.ever.changes!

All of this drama with him that I'm dealing with is on top of everything else going on in my life - my 19 yr old daughter (N) moved back in with me in December. I gave up my little oasis of serentiy in the woods and moved to a 2 BR apt in the same complex. The only unit available when I needed it is right in the middle of everything which means it's noisier, dirtier and less private.  Also, with a bigger place and another person to provide for comes higher rent, higher utilities, higher costs for food, supplies, etc.  So my finances have become very tight, but yay me, I'm still making it ok on my own.  I'm broke a lot but I'm used to that.

I had to pay for N's tuition and books from my Christmas bonus, so Christmas was tighter financially than in years past (and I still spent too much!).  At least she is in school now and is finally working at a local restaurant.  She just blows every dime she makes on booze, weed and partying.  I thought I would get reimbursed for these expenses when she received her student loan money. But later found out that the new school will only allow so much per yr in loans, and she had reached her max for the 2009/10 school year already.  No reimbursement for me, and if she takes any classes this summer, those will have to be paid for out of pocket also - guess who will have to do that if she goes?  She really needs to go to class this summer to make up for some of the credits she missed the past year and a half she blew off her studies prior to moving home with me. 

But she never even has gas money to get to school and work, so I'm sure she will never come up with the money for tuition and books by May.  So if she goes, guess who will get to pay for it? yeah, me again.  But I keep telling myself I need to encourage her to take some ownership of what happens with her life.  Her getting a college degree is my hope and dream for her.  She looks at it as her entitlement and that a college education is something the parent is supposed to provide for their child.  Even though my parents didn't do it for me or any of my sisters, my sister is not doing it for her children and I didn't do it for my boys when they were her age, so why do I feel such a need to do it for her?  Would it be such a big deal if I made it her responsibility to come up with the money for her books and tuition for summer classes? If I didn't pay for it, would it mean enough to her for her to make it happen?  Somehow I doubt it. 

So I'm dealing with a lot of codepency / enabling when it comes to her and not a small amount of resentment toward her because I feel used, and resentful towards me because I'm allowing it all to be this way.  I just suck at parenting, and I honestly don't know where to start in trying to change things with her.  I tell myself that she is making progress. She's back in school and she's working. She's not spending all day in bed and all night in the streets as she did for months before she started school, so that's progress, right? The rest will come in time and I shouldn't expect miracles to happen with her in a matter of weeks, right? (sigh....)

So brilliant person that I am, in the midst of all this, I decided to go back to school myself.  What's a little more stress added to what I'm already drowning in?  But it's something I've wanted to do for myself for a very long time. And you know what, it's the ONE thing in my life right now that I feel good about, the one thing I am attempting to do that could make my life better and different than what it's been.  It's harder than I thought it would be, and many times I doubt my ability to stick with it or to finish, but for now, I've made a start and it feels good.
I haven't talked to M since Saturday (more on that on another post) and for some reason it just feels different this time. I've been praying for God to help me get unstuck from this relationship, for Him to do for me what I can't seem to do for myself.  I would like to say that I'm done with this man, this marriage, and done with being miserable and unhappy with him in my life.  But I've said that before and always went back for more.  I don't know though. Maybe my prayers will be answered and it will be different this time, maybe I can be free of this man once and for all. Seven years is a long time to be in the wilderness. 

I was listening to music videos last night and came across this song below. It hit me hard in my gut, that THIS feeling they are talking about is what is within me right now.  I keep telling myself I can forgive what M has done, but honestly, I'm just not at a place where I WANT to right now.

My therapist suggested I write out my list of resentments toward M, get it all out and put it down on paper in order to move toward forgiveness.  I balked at doing that - told him there was just so much that it would take me forever to list everything that's happened over the years that I'm resentful toward him about.  And how can I even start to forgive him for the same behavior he keeps doing over and over again?

Right now I'm just ANGRY at him. I'm angry that the love I felt for him that was once so beautiful and pure and sincere, has now been twisted into something dark, ugly, and painful. I'm sure my codepency and "love addict" behaviors didn't make things any easier for us. And I'll have to take some time to look at my role in all this too. But for today, I just want to stay mad. It's easier and less painful this way.

So here's my new theme song for today. I wish I knew how to load videos here (if anyone can help me with that I would be thankful!) but this is the link to the music video and the lyrics are below:

 


NOT READY TO MAKE NICE by Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting


I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger

And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should



I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could

They say time heals everything

But I'm still waiting