Fridays mean decisions to make

Should I:

- go to Celebrate Recovery tonight? The one I've been thinking about for weeks now, but have yet to make it to? It's on the other side of town from where I live, and would be a long drive home but it's supposedly a big meeting (100+ people) and many small groups to choose from, and I NEED to get back into some kind of recovery program, so that I can MOVE FORWARD with my life, instead of feeling this awkward sense of limbo that I've been dealing with the past few weeks
----but, it's a LONG meeting - large group at 7, small group at 8, "fellowship" afterward from 9 until "whenever".  That's the part I get so frustrated with myself because I can make myself somewhat invisible during large group, just listen and not participate too much in small group, so I don't draw attention to myself. But who do I talk to, what do I talk about, after the groups? In the "fellowship" part of the event.  I don't do well with the social small talk, especially with people I've never met before, and no matter what meeting I attend, I tend to rush out as soon as it's over, and don't much participate in the "meeting after the meeting", which is when the connections are made with others, which is what I yearn for, the relationship with people that I can be real with, no masks, no pretenses, acceptance. But it's also what I tend to avoid. Crazy, huh?

Also, N came home last night, long enough to drop her things and her bf's dog at my apt and leave again (at 10:30 pm) to go out to friends house. I'm not sure what time she got back home but she was sleeping on the couch when I got up this morning and I woke her up and got her to get in my bed. Can't wait till we get the 2 BR so she'll have her own space when she comes home.

I was worried about her driving out alone that late at night, and as usual got all worried about her, and instead of "giving it to God" like I've been trying to make it a point to do, instead I took a nerve pill knowing i needed to sleep so I could get up early for work.  So I must have got into a really deep sleep because I woke up at 11:45 after what seemed like a full night of horrible nightmares - not just one but several different ones, all within the span of like one hour.  I still remember the gist of them today, which is unusual for me because I generally don't remember my dreams or nightmares.  Suffice it to say, it freaked me out enough that I sat up in bed, turned on the light, went to the kitchen and got water (and candy of course - I needed comfort!) and then I smoked a cigarette before allowing myself to fall back to sleep. Had to clear the cobwebs out of my head to realize what was real and what was not, so I could feel comfortable going back to sleep.

Another choice for tonight:

- go to the CODA meeting here in town. I've never been to it before, but I've been considering getting involved in a codepency 12 step program.  It would only be for one hour and then I'd have the rest of my night free - ummm to do what? Go home and spend maybe an hour or so with my daughter (while she's getting ready to go out with her friends for the night), and then be alone for the rest of the night?  Sitting on the couch, watching TV, flipping from one channel to the other during commercials, smoking cigarrettes and being lonely, like I've done EVERY FREAKIN NIGHT for the past two weeks.  I have no money to go out, go to a movie, meet friends for dinner, so that's exactly what it would be, another night home alone. That doesn't sound too appealing to me.

What I miss most about attending AA/NA meetings is that there was always some place to GO.  I never minded not having any plans because I could always catch a meeting, and even if I didn't talk to a single person, I was "in the midst" of other adults, people I could identify with, and I almost always got some nugget of wisdom from something someone said that made me feel better about where I was that day.  The more recovery blogs I read about other women around my age who are living the sober life and finding it fulfilling and fun, well it kinda makes me want that too.

The problem there is, I'm not convinced I'm an alcoholic (for many reasons).  The fact that I don't want to stop drinking and that I'm fighting so hard against doing that SHOULD probably be enough to convince me, but it's not.  It's not an "unmanageable" part of my life, and only seems to be a "symptom" of all the other junk that is buried down deep, and fact is, I enjoy drinking occasionally and moderately. It's not an everyday part of my life, and hasn't caused me any major problems, other than the occasional hangover from hell, but that's because the older I get, the less my body can handle even small amounts of alcohol (maybe another reason not to do it? duh).  If you're reading this, I'm sure you can probably spot the denial in my words and thoughts, but hey, honestly, I just don't want to stop drinking right now anymore than I want to stop smoking, or watching TV or reading or any of the other things in my life that I enjoy that I tend to use to "escape" at times.

I know I'm horribly codependent, have absurdly low self-esteem, I tend to isolate, don't feel comfortable in my own skin a large part of the time, I suck at romantic relationships because of the men I tend to be drawn to that can never be and will never be who I want and need them to be....and a long list of other "issues", but I really don't believe at my core that alcohol is the root of the problem. Maybe I'm just in denial and haven't hit my bottom yet. I don't know, but I don't think so.

Which is why I'm looking for CODA meetings or ACOA meetings or Celebrate Recovery. Some place I can get a sponsor, work the steps and learn to change the old stinking thinking patterns and get out of my own head long enough to actually enjoy living this beautiful life I've been blessed with.

Other choices for this weekend that have to be made:

--go the game tomorrow with girlfriend or not. One of the guys at work gave me free tickets, but my team (#2 in the nation) is playing a team that is not even ranked (it's more like a "practice game") and the game is at 11:00 a.m., and over an hour's drive, which means we'd need to leave by around 9 a.m. which means no lazy Saturday morning for me...AND the friend I'm considering going with has to be back early to be in a wedding so we may end up having to leave the game early. On top of that, I have very little money to spend, so I won't be able to afford the $4 cokes and water at the game. It's supposed to be cool and rainy so also not a very fun way to spend 3 hours or more sitting on a cold concrete bench in the stadium.  BUT ---- It's MY TEAM and I love going to the games just to be there and soak in the atmosphere and I need to prove to myself that I can go out and do something fun and I need to be around people because for God's sakes I've had very little face to face adult interaction PERIOD (other than people from work) in the past 2 weeks and I NEED to do something fun to get out of my own head for a while.

--church on Sunday - should I go to TCBH, or not? I love my church but there's always the chance of running into M there. He RARELY goes, but if he does, that's where he goes and I'm totally not strong enough to deal with seeing him face to face any time soon. 

And on top of that, it just bugs the shit out of me to be around all those people that know me and M as a "couple" and there's always someone asking me "how is M?" and it's just so awkward to say "we're not together" and all the pitying looks that I get once that leaves my mouth, because of course everyone thinks he is such an awesome guy and a great catch, that they can't imagine that it's anything HE"S done to cause the breakup, so it must be something wrong with me, right? Something lacking in me that I wasn't able to "hold on to my man". It feels awkward and uncomfortable and more than that it makes me mad as HELL, that it's come to this, that he's not there with me like he should be. We should be a couple, we should be living life together, it should never have turned out like this and it hurts and I'm frustrated and angry with him...and I say all that to say this, that no matter how much I love my church - the music, the message, the spiritual strength I get from being there...to have that I also have to have all these other yucky feelings and so on many Sunday mornings I wake up and just can't deal with dealing with that, so I just roll over and go back to sleep and try to figure out what else to do with my day.

I want to find a new church, need a new place to worship where I want have to deal with all the junk from the past. I want a new scene, new friends, new opportunities to get involved in service work, experience new things that do not remind me of old memories and trigger crappy feelings.  But on the other hand, in spite of those people I want to avoid, I also have some real friends there, friends who know the real me and love me and want me around....and there is some comfort in the familiarity of what's been my church home for the past 7 1/2 years, but maybe it's time for God to do a new thing in me and for some reason, I just cant do it at TCBH. I'm still praying for God to lead me where I should be, and I believe in time I'll get there.

Wow, long post. Thanks if you're still reading. I need to post more often, but like today, once I get started all this stuff just seems to spew out of my head and I wind up spending more time than I should here.  It will be much better once I get my laptop, which hopefully I'll be able to get with bonus money that's supposed to be coming soon.  I need one for school anyway, so it won't be splurging, it's a necessity :-)

So off to get some work done now. Have an awesome weekend!