sick and tired

I have a head cold I've been fighting all week, that's making me feel pretty crappy. My body feels run down, fat, bloated, unhealthy - and I'm doing nothing to change that.  I've done nothing this week except go home from work, eat and eat and eat (and watch the scale creep up every morning) and watch TV until bed time, then get up the next morning and do it all again. I say that I'm at peace with my decision to move back to my apartment, knowing when I did that it would be the last time I left my husband. We'd already both agreed that this was our last shot at being together, and if it didn't work, that we wouldn't try again. So, that's that and I believe it is for the best and I believe that this is where I'm supposed to be right now...but I feel stuck. I don't feel like socializing with friends, I don't feel like doing anything with anyone except just being alone with my thoughts and trying not to think or feel anything too deeply.
Maybe that's what I need right now, at least for a while longer. Maybe this is my mind's way of healing and recuperating, or maybe it's my way of just not dealing with my stuff. I don't know.
I keep telling myself I should go to some meetings. I always felt better after going to meetings when I was in recovery. But I don't know that I have the desire to stop drinking, so I feel like I don't belong there either. I am not convinced that I am an alcoholic. If I am, I most definitely have not hit "my bottom" yet and if this is as bad as it gets, it's not really all that bad.
What I really want is to work the steps, and get to the bottom of why I make the choices I do in relationships with men and to deal with the junk from my past, my low self-worth, my financial irresponsib ility, my over-eating, etc. There are many things I could use "recovery" from, but I'm not ready to say I will never have another beer or glass of wine, and maybe my refusal to want that is a sign that I am an alcoholic but I'm just not ready to believe that yet and it's where I'm at right now.
Maybe I should go to the Adult Child of Alcoholics group, or a Codepency group. There's a Celebrate Recovery group on Friday nights that I've been thinking of going to, it just seems that something always comes up on Friday nights and by the time I get off work on Friday, I lose the desire to go.
And then when I find my mind racing with all these thoughts and I'm feeling the uncertainty about where to go, what to do, what needs to change for my life to move forward....then I just get tired and try not to think so much.
I'm trying to get all the stuff together to start back to school in January and I'm really excited about doing that, but I still don't know what the hell I want to major in. Part of me wants to do nursing, because I think it would be interesting, there's a high demand in that field and the pay is good, but it's also VERY difficult to get accepted into the Nursing Program, and I can't help but wonder if I have what it takes to do that. I mean I was pretty smart in high school, gifted actually. But there's been a lot of alcohol, drugs and life that has happened since then and my brain's not what it used to be. I'm still pretty smart though, I think and I still learn new tasks quickly and easily so if I try real hard and stick with it, I believe I can do this.
Another part of me wants to just get a Business Degree which would enhance my current skills, the company I work for would possibly pay for part of it (very SMALL possibility) and I think it would be awesome to run my own business someday, whenever I figure out what the heck that would be.  Maybe a lodge in the mountains, or a home for abused / neglected teens. So many possibilities and I'm so unsure of what direction to go in.
The Nursing field would be a totally different career path than the clerical / administrative jobs I've held for the past 25 years, but I could use that anywhere, go anywhere in the world with that. Maybe even could use it on the mission field....but then I tell myself I could also use the skills I currently have that way too. So as usual, I'm uncertain about what would be best for me.  So I pray for guidance and I tell myself to be patient taht I don't have to make a decision on this today. I can just take something that I can use in whichever field I end up pursuing and that things will be made clear in time.