Beginning again

So much for trying again and giving us "one last chance".  So much for committing to a month at least until I made a decision to stay or move out again, it only lasted 2 weeks.  I moved back to M's house 2 weeks ago, and I've already moved back to my apartment.  I guess I knew when I moved my clothes and stuff back there that nothing had changed really, and that it would end up being the same scenario as usual, but oh how I'd hoped and prayed that it would be different this time. I don't want to be single again, don't want another failed marriage, I just want the man I love to be honest, faithful, committed to us.  But this man that I love? Less than 2 weeks into us "trying again" and giving it one last shot, he chose to get angry and sullen and sulky and distant and cold because I asked him for gas money to get to work and back. He gave me $40 Friday morning and seemed like he was ok with doing that. After all, I have been driving an extra 400 miles per week to work and back because I moved back where he wanted me to be, out in the boonies, away from my friends and church and work. It didn't matter that I had to spend an extra 2 hours a day in the car for my commute to work, as long as I came home to him at his house because he'd made it clear that he didn't even want to try again unless I lived there with him.


And I still had all the same expenses from living in the apartment because my lease is not up until the end of the year, and I still have rent, utilities, etc to pay on top of gas for an additional 400 miles a week. So asking for help for gas money didn't seem like it was unreasonable. But apparently he did. He didn't show up for the church event Friday night, was distant and cold all day Saturday, wouldn't go to church with me Sunday - and once I again I didn't even know what he was upset about, I just knew from experience that in his eyes I'd done something wrong, and he was punishing me for it with the emotional distance. This is the same man who came home from working out of town this week (Wednesday night) telling me how much he'd missed me in the 2 days he'd been gone and how happy he was to see me, had cooked dinner for me two nights in a row and given me love, affection and attention like he was head over heels in love with me.


THEN this is how he treats me all weekend because I asked for help with gas money??? And we couldn't even make it two weeks in the same house without something like this going on? I gave up. I came home from church Sunday, he barely spoke to me and went outside to work in the yard. I saw his car leave and he didn't even come inside to tell me he was leaving or where he was going or even ask if I wanted to go with him.  So I decided that I was done, I quit, I give up. I went and repacked all the clothes, shoes and toiletries I'd brought with me when I moved back in and I put them in my car and I went back to my apartment.  And I didn't even wait to tell him I was leaving.  Part of me thinks this was a cowardly way to leave, but another part of me knows if I'd talked to him, I would have doubted my decision and whatever he said would end up making me feel foolish and immature and selfish, and I would have stayed. But after only 2 weeks in, I was already feeling unhappy and resentful of how much I was giving compared to how little I was getting back in the relationship. And I just don't believe love and marriage is supposed to be like that.


So I left my wedding rings on his dresser and got my things and left. And of course, here it is 3 days later and I haven't heard a word from him. I don't expect to either. In the past 7 years, he's never once pursued me or come after me any time that I've ever left. It's always been me seeking him out, going back to him, trying to make it work again.


Strangely I'm pretty much at peace with my decision to go back to my apartment and I hope this time it sticks and that I don't go back to him.  I'm sad and disappointed and hurt that he still doesn't seem to be the man I've believed him to be, wanted him to be.  But it's not his fault that I've been foolish when it comes to believing in something that is not reality. And I'm sad that if I ever decide to get involved with someone else again, it's going to be really difficult to start over and talk about my past and how I got to where I am today, and all the shame and guilt that goes along with all that.


I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I tried so hard to make this work in large part because I just can't even think about trying again with someone else, but that would mean the rest of my life with no one to snuggle with at night, or wake up to in the mornings or someone to be a partner with me when I get so tired of doing it all on my own.  I dont want to have to think about getting in another relationship with a man and have to tell them "I've been married and divorced 5 times".  What man would want a woman like that? It doesn't matter that the first time was at 15 yrs old, and who knows what it takes to make a marriage work at 15? I certainly didn't.


It doesn't matter that I've spent the past 30 years looking for unconditional love from a man, my knight in shining armor, that one person in the world who would "get" me and who would love me and cherish me and honor me and be committed and faithful and all that other stuff that goes along with marriage.  It doesn't matter that all those times I thought I'd finally found him, it was through a haze of codepency and from a perspective of not having a clue how to love someone or how to let them love me.  It doesn't matter that I never seemed to learn from my mistakes and that I chose the same man over and over five different times and kept trying to make it work by doing the same things over and over - yes, the very definition of insanity.


And I don't want to do that again. I know myself well enough to know that there WILL be someone else some day.  But it doesn't need to be for a long time.  I need to find peace and serenity within myself, in being on my own, and I need to figure out what makes me make the choices I do in men, I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to do the opposite of whatever it is I have done in the past, because obviously my judgement is screwed when it comes to men, and I need lots of time to figure out how to fix the broken places in me, time to heal and grow and love me again. So here I am again on my own, traveling down the only road I've ever known....starting over once more.


I've been here so many times, and what I think is different this time, is that there is no fear in it.  There's no gut wrenching agony or tears or anger or depression. There is just acceptance that this is where I find myself now and I'm going to make the most of it in the days to come.


I have friends and family who love me and are always there for me, I have a great job, a cute affordable apartment, a nice dependable car to drive, a faith in God that is strong, and I trust that HE knows what He's doing here, and in time, I'll look back and see that this all had a purpose in the grand Plan of my life.  


My future that is wide open and that is an exciting thought. I have so much to be thankful for - and I'm excited about starting back to school in a few months and learning new things and meeting new people and changing careers (whenever I figure out what it is I want to be when I finally grow up!) and in a lot of ways I'm happy and ready to face whatever comes. So let's roll!