My sleep patterns are screwed again. Last night was very fragmented. Kept waking up, tossing and turning, anxiety levels through the roof but couldn't put my finger on whatever was causing the anxiety. I'm sure a lot of it is my "double mindedness" when it comes to M and our relationship. Part of me wants to be with him, because I do love him and care about him and his heart and his family and his life, but a big part of me really just wants to be free, to get off the roller coaster I've been on with him ever since we started this relationship seven years ago. Part of me wishes I'd never met him and wonders how much different my life would be now if I'd never fallen in love with him. There have been some really good times between us, times that were the best I'd ever known, but sadly there have been so many more sad times, bad times, painful times, so much anxiety, confusion, uncertainty when it comes to him. I know he loves me, the best way he knows how to, and I would not want to hurt him for anything in the world. I wish we could just get on the same page for once and stay there.
Another cause for anxiety is my N (daughter) and my worries about her. I feel there is something weird going on with her since she started the Prozac. She was home briefly this weekend. Of course when she comes home I spend very little time with her since she stays out all night and sleeps all day. M told me she looks happier and more content than he's seen her in a long time, but I didn't see it. I'm just really worried about her.
Another thing is that I've started drinking again. The past two weekends I've drank far too much. Got a bad case of the fuck its and just gave in. But I can't say it's really been all that fun. And the little fun I've had has not been worth the yucky feeling in my body the next day, waking up sore and headachy and not feeling like doing anything at all. What a crappy way to spend the day on a beautiful fall weekend.
Anyway, back to last night. Every time I'd wake up, I would find myself praying "help me God, show me the way, I don't know what to do, I need you so much".... the last thing I remember before I fell asleep and actually got some rest is the words "Just do the next right thing - you know what that is", "Just take it one day at a time, just for today" and "rest in me".... I've heard these words many times in recovery and in church services, so if I heed them, maybe I can get this life back on the right track.
One thing I've been doing is spending way too much time on the internet at work and letting my work duties slide. So I've got to do better with that, if I'm going to do the next right thing.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
TGIF
Well here it is...the day we wait for all week long....FRIDAY! Labor Day is Monday so it's the start of a 3-day weekend for me AND college football season kicks off tomorrow (ROLL TIDE). It's the weekend that most consider the "end of summer" and I'm feeling a little down about that. Can't say I've had much of a great summer. I moved into this apt complex so I could be able to enjoy the pool. I was really looking forward to that. To getting a good tan, and drinking and hanging out and meeting lots of new people. But when I stopped drinking, it just wasn't as much fun anymore, or if I did go, being at the pool triggered me to want to drink. So I've been a total of 4 times this summer.
I went to the beach once for a few days, and it was just ok. I tried to be fun and upbeat and have a good time, but honestly, I really didn't. I was two weeks into the IOP program and ended up drinking that weekend. It wasn't even that much fun because I just felt guilty about relapsing. And I still haven't learned how to have a good time without the alcohol. I've never been a really bubbly, fun, spontaneous person and I envy that in other people. The alcohol typically helped me to just feel "normal", and relaxed in social situations. I don't feel that much anymore.
I didn't get to go to the mountains at all this summer, or camping or fishing - which are the things I really enjoy most when I get to do them - and I only went on a couple of small hikes. I didn't go to the lake to swim or go out in a boat, didn't go on vacation or spend much time with my kids. So that is all the things I DIDN'T do this summer. Things I typically associate with fun times.
Learning how to live in this new way of life really sucks for me most of the time. I've had brief periods where I've been able to have fun and be myself, usually only with other people who are in recovery too, because they tend to understand and accept you for the most part.
It strikes me that all I'm focusing on today is what I DIDN'T do this summer. Now lets look at what I DID do.
First off, I left my husband (on my birthday in May - a gift to myself I believed!) and walked away from a life and a relationship that was killing my spirit, and dragging me down into a deep, dark depression and lifestyle of drinking and drugging. I was at a place that I didn't care if I lived or died and was losing all hope for a better life.
Funny thing is I'm still with him, we are still trying to "work things out", and I can see that in some ways he is really trying, but I get the feeling it may be too little too late. I just don't enjoy being with him anymore. There, I said it. I don't feel attracted to him, I don't find our conversations interesting or fun, sex feels like some kind of porn show with little emotional connection, and there's so much resentment and bitterness and anger toward him inside me that I don't know that I can ever get past that. I don't want to live in his house that he lived with his ex and raised his kids. It's out in the boonies (100 mile round trip each day to work and back for me), it's dirty, dark and depressing --- and I will never move back there. And he says he will never sell it or move away...so I'm still not sure what we're holding on to.
We are both such broken, hurting people. We used to be able to find comfort in each other, but too much has happened - too many lies, too many broken promises, too much disappointment and broken trust. I don't see us being able to get that back. Even if he did agree to sell his house and us buy something together closer to where I work, closer to church and friends and schools (for me to attend college)...still when I think about us living together again...all the silence and moodiness and controlling behavior and his porn habits, how I get when I'm with him - insecure, sneaky, moody, irritable, critical - I don't like the person I become. So I keep praying for guidance from God, and for me to be patient and not rush into anything I will regret and just take it a day at a time. So there's the one big thing I did for ME this summer.
And because of that I DID move into my own place, into a cute little apartment that I really love, and living alone for the first time EVER in my life (other than the times M or N is there). It's been a bit of a struggle financially, but that's only because of all the unexpected expense of N's being sick and all the doctor appts, co-pays, prescription costs, etc.
I DID complete a 6 week Intensive Outpatient Partial-Hospitalization Program for Recovery from Addiction and Chemical Substances. Yesterday was 60 DAYS clean and sober for me (I thought it was actually tomorrow, since my sobriety date is July 5th, but if I count days, my 60 day anniversary was actually yesterday.!! woo hoo!!). Funny how this past week I've had the strongest urge to drink, more so than at any time up to this point. Maybe it's something about the 60 day mark, thought I've heard that the 90 is harder to get than the 60. If so, I'm not so sure I'll make it.
I think I've started looking too far ahead, trying to figure out what the next weeks or months will hold, and I need to go back to focusing on living in the present, getting the most out of today, one day at a time!
I can see that I'm trying to give myself a reason to drink again. Telling myself that I've done good this summer, I've got my head clear, made some good choices and good decisions and now I can have some fun. But I also know that if I start back drinking again, I may can do it "moderately" for a while, but eventually it will get out of control again....drinking to escape loneliness and pain, spending too much money, the horrible hangovers, the losing days recuperating from a drunk that could be spent enjoying life, the pain in my body that I get when I drink too much, the depression because of the stupid things I do when I drink....and most importantly, the fact that I will fail in this thing called sober living, and my children will follow in my footsteps of living a life of chaos and confusion. I long to break the generational curse that's been on those in my family - and I hope to have it start with me.
I went to the beach once for a few days, and it was just ok. I tried to be fun and upbeat and have a good time, but honestly, I really didn't. I was two weeks into the IOP program and ended up drinking that weekend. It wasn't even that much fun because I just felt guilty about relapsing. And I still haven't learned how to have a good time without the alcohol. I've never been a really bubbly, fun, spontaneous person and I envy that in other people. The alcohol typically helped me to just feel "normal", and relaxed in social situations. I don't feel that much anymore.
I didn't get to go to the mountains at all this summer, or camping or fishing - which are the things I really enjoy most when I get to do them - and I only went on a couple of small hikes. I didn't go to the lake to swim or go out in a boat, didn't go on vacation or spend much time with my kids. So that is all the things I DIDN'T do this summer. Things I typically associate with fun times.
Learning how to live in this new way of life really sucks for me most of the time. I've had brief periods where I've been able to have fun and be myself, usually only with other people who are in recovery too, because they tend to understand and accept you for the most part.
It strikes me that all I'm focusing on today is what I DIDN'T do this summer. Now lets look at what I DID do.
First off, I left my husband (on my birthday in May - a gift to myself I believed!) and walked away from a life and a relationship that was killing my spirit, and dragging me down into a deep, dark depression and lifestyle of drinking and drugging. I was at a place that I didn't care if I lived or died and was losing all hope for a better life.
Funny thing is I'm still with him, we are still trying to "work things out", and I can see that in some ways he is really trying, but I get the feeling it may be too little too late. I just don't enjoy being with him anymore. There, I said it. I don't feel attracted to him, I don't find our conversations interesting or fun, sex feels like some kind of porn show with little emotional connection, and there's so much resentment and bitterness and anger toward him inside me that I don't know that I can ever get past that. I don't want to live in his house that he lived with his ex and raised his kids. It's out in the boonies (100 mile round trip each day to work and back for me), it's dirty, dark and depressing --- and I will never move back there. And he says he will never sell it or move away...so I'm still not sure what we're holding on to.
We are both such broken, hurting people. We used to be able to find comfort in each other, but too much has happened - too many lies, too many broken promises, too much disappointment and broken trust. I don't see us being able to get that back. Even if he did agree to sell his house and us buy something together closer to where I work, closer to church and friends and schools (for me to attend college)...still when I think about us living together again...all the silence and moodiness and controlling behavior and his porn habits, how I get when I'm with him - insecure, sneaky, moody, irritable, critical - I don't like the person I become. So I keep praying for guidance from God, and for me to be patient and not rush into anything I will regret and just take it a day at a time. So there's the one big thing I did for ME this summer.
And because of that I DID move into my own place, into a cute little apartment that I really love, and living alone for the first time EVER in my life (other than the times M or N is there). It's been a bit of a struggle financially, but that's only because of all the unexpected expense of N's being sick and all the doctor appts, co-pays, prescription costs, etc.
I DID complete a 6 week Intensive Outpatient Partial-Hospitalization Program for Recovery from Addiction and Chemical Substances. Yesterday was 60 DAYS clean and sober for me (I thought it was actually tomorrow, since my sobriety date is July 5th, but if I count days, my 60 day anniversary was actually yesterday.!! woo hoo!!). Funny how this past week I've had the strongest urge to drink, more so than at any time up to this point. Maybe it's something about the 60 day mark, thought I've heard that the 90 is harder to get than the 60. If so, I'm not so sure I'll make it.
I think I've started looking too far ahead, trying to figure out what the next weeks or months will hold, and I need to go back to focusing on living in the present, getting the most out of today, one day at a time!
I can see that I'm trying to give myself a reason to drink again. Telling myself that I've done good this summer, I've got my head clear, made some good choices and good decisions and now I can have some fun. But I also know that if I start back drinking again, I may can do it "moderately" for a while, but eventually it will get out of control again....drinking to escape loneliness and pain, spending too much money, the horrible hangovers, the losing days recuperating from a drunk that could be spent enjoying life, the pain in my body that I get when I drink too much, the depression because of the stupid things I do when I drink....and most importantly, the fact that I will fail in this thing called sober living, and my children will follow in my footsteps of living a life of chaos and confusion. I long to break the generational curse that's been on those in my family - and I hope to have it start with me.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Rain, rain go away
So, this is my first blog post. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing or how this will look, but I'll get it over time. I've been feeling like I should do this for a while now. I've been reading a lot of blogs since I've been in recovery, and there are so many out there in blogger land that speak to my heart, that say just what I'm feeling, or what I need to hear. And in this time of me trying to make sense of my thoughts, feelings and emotions I thought maybe this would help sort some of the junk out. I've kept a journal off and on over the past 7-8 years but I've become lazy and just don't feel like writing much anymore.
I think maybe that typing my thoughts and feelings will be easier than writing it down in a notebook. My handwriting is like chicken scratch. No one would ever be able to decipher it but me. Maybe that's the point?
I woke up this morning to the sound of rain out my window. A dark dreary day, yet I felt God call me to wake up and spend time with Him. I read my Bible - just turning to random pages and reading what's there which is what I've always seemed to do. Never been one to systematically study a particular book or chapter or verse or topic. I just always want to "hear from God". I'm sure there's a better way to do this, but at least I'm trying. Trying to cultivate some "spriritual discipline" from the chaos that is in my mind most of the time. Yet 3 hours later I have no clue what it was I read.
And then I got down on my knees beside the bed to pray. I still feel somewhat disconnected though. Even though I've "been a Christian" for all these years, still I'm not sure what to say to Him, how to pray. The thought comes to me that there's really no "right or wrong" way, just talk to Him. So I did. Can't say that I felt better afterwards, but I do have faith, and I believe God hears my heart and knows that I'm seeking Him.
I have my Aftercare group meeting tonight. I'll have 60 days clean this Saturday. Just in time for the first Bama football game of the season. I've always looked forward to football season, and having fun with friends, drinking, going to games....but now I can't help but wonder how much fun it will be without the alcohol. I feel like I'm doing the BUDD thing - Building Up to Drink or Drug. I haven't been to a meeting all week, since group last Thursday night. First week since I graduated from the IOP program that I haven't made a meeting. So much for 90 in 90, huh?
I haven't talked to my sponsor either. I just don't feel a connection to her and I always think she's too busy to deal with me. I know she has 5 other sponsees and as long as I can keep from drinking, I feel that I'm doing ok and don't need to talk to her. So most times I just don't call. She's been my sponsor for about 6 weeks now and I've seen her face to face maybe 4 times, and only then when I go the meeting at her home group. I don't get much out of our conversations when we do talk. I don't see how she can get where I've been or where I am. I don't know. Maybe that's just me and this inpenetrable wall I keep up between the real me and everyone else.
I've been to a lot of different groups and meetings in the past 2 months, both AA and NA. I still don't have a "home group" and don't know which kind of group I should belong to. I don't feel like I FIT anywhere. But I haven't really been anywhere consistently either. I get a lot out of listening to the others, but I don't "share" very often, and I rush away from the meeting as soon as it's over. Just can't do the "small talk" thing. And then I also look around and have to ask "do I REALLY belong here? Is this really me?" I think some of these people trade one addiction (chemicals) for another (meetings, "way of life", etc) but then again some people do that with religion too and I have to admit I can be guilty of that. Telling myself that all I need is God and that I'm not like these other people and don't need these meetings. But I also feel very close to relapse, especially this weekend coming up, so I'm going to try to make it a point to get to some meetings this weekend.
I miss my IOP group so much. Out of the 5 of us who became very close through that time, 3 have gone back out and the other is in a halfway house. He and I are the only ones still sober as far as I know. It's sad, and frustrating too. They seemed so strong, and I counted on those friends to help keep me straight. I just knew that I had found others that I could relate to and build relationships with, and we could help each other through this new way of life. It just hit me that maybe I'm the one that supposed to be reaching out to them. I guess I should do that.
But in a way I'm jealous that they are finding the comfort that I wish I could find and I know it would not take much to get me to go back out too. Because I'm just not finding peace or happiness in sobriety. I long almost every day for a glass of wine, or a few beers, just to take the edge off. I thought after this much time it would get easier, but it's not. I'm not finding much "fun" in life these days. I keep thinking about "The Promises" and believing that I can have those for my life too, then my group leader in After Care tells me that those don't come until somewhere around Step Nine. WTF??? I'm only on the first step. I don't know if I can wait that long! The antidepressants the docs gave me don't seem to be working anymore and are in fact making my vision blurry, and throwing off my hormone balance so that I have miserable hot flashes too.
It seems all I have that I can truly count on and cling to from one moment to the next is God's love for me, and trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will. So just for today God, Grant me the Serenity please?
I think maybe that typing my thoughts and feelings will be easier than writing it down in a notebook. My handwriting is like chicken scratch. No one would ever be able to decipher it but me. Maybe that's the point?
I woke up this morning to the sound of rain out my window. A dark dreary day, yet I felt God call me to wake up and spend time with Him. I read my Bible - just turning to random pages and reading what's there which is what I've always seemed to do. Never been one to systematically study a particular book or chapter or verse or topic. I just always want to "hear from God". I'm sure there's a better way to do this, but at least I'm trying. Trying to cultivate some "spriritual discipline" from the chaos that is in my mind most of the time. Yet 3 hours later I have no clue what it was I read.
And then I got down on my knees beside the bed to pray. I still feel somewhat disconnected though. Even though I've "been a Christian" for all these years, still I'm not sure what to say to Him, how to pray. The thought comes to me that there's really no "right or wrong" way, just talk to Him. So I did. Can't say that I felt better afterwards, but I do have faith, and I believe God hears my heart and knows that I'm seeking Him.
I have my Aftercare group meeting tonight. I'll have 60 days clean this Saturday. Just in time for the first Bama football game of the season. I've always looked forward to football season, and having fun with friends, drinking, going to games....but now I can't help but wonder how much fun it will be without the alcohol. I feel like I'm doing the BUDD thing - Building Up to Drink or Drug. I haven't been to a meeting all week, since group last Thursday night. First week since I graduated from the IOP program that I haven't made a meeting. So much for 90 in 90, huh?
I haven't talked to my sponsor either. I just don't feel a connection to her and I always think she's too busy to deal with me. I know she has 5 other sponsees and as long as I can keep from drinking, I feel that I'm doing ok and don't need to talk to her. So most times I just don't call. She's been my sponsor for about 6 weeks now and I've seen her face to face maybe 4 times, and only then when I go the meeting at her home group. I don't get much out of our conversations when we do talk. I don't see how she can get where I've been or where I am. I don't know. Maybe that's just me and this inpenetrable wall I keep up between the real me and everyone else.
I've been to a lot of different groups and meetings in the past 2 months, both AA and NA. I still don't have a "home group" and don't know which kind of group I should belong to. I don't feel like I FIT anywhere. But I haven't really been anywhere consistently either. I get a lot out of listening to the others, but I don't "share" very often, and I rush away from the meeting as soon as it's over. Just can't do the "small talk" thing. And then I also look around and have to ask "do I REALLY belong here? Is this really me?" I think some of these people trade one addiction (chemicals) for another (meetings, "way of life", etc) but then again some people do that with religion too and I have to admit I can be guilty of that. Telling myself that all I need is God and that I'm not like these other people and don't need these meetings. But I also feel very close to relapse, especially this weekend coming up, so I'm going to try to make it a point to get to some meetings this weekend.
I miss my IOP group so much. Out of the 5 of us who became very close through that time, 3 have gone back out and the other is in a halfway house. He and I are the only ones still sober as far as I know. It's sad, and frustrating too. They seemed so strong, and I counted on those friends to help keep me straight. I just knew that I had found others that I could relate to and build relationships with, and we could help each other through this new way of life. It just hit me that maybe I'm the one that supposed to be reaching out to them. I guess I should do that.
But in a way I'm jealous that they are finding the comfort that I wish I could find and I know it would not take much to get me to go back out too. Because I'm just not finding peace or happiness in sobriety. I long almost every day for a glass of wine, or a few beers, just to take the edge off. I thought after this much time it would get easier, but it's not. I'm not finding much "fun" in life these days. I keep thinking about "The Promises" and believing that I can have those for my life too, then my group leader in After Care tells me that those don't come until somewhere around Step Nine. WTF??? I'm only on the first step. I don't know if I can wait that long! The antidepressants the docs gave me don't seem to be working anymore and are in fact making my vision blurry, and throwing off my hormone balance so that I have miserable hot flashes too.
It seems all I have that I can truly count on and cling to from one moment to the next is God's love for me, and trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will. So just for today God, Grant me the Serenity please?
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