TGIF

Well here it is...the day we wait for all week long....FRIDAY!  Labor Day is Monday so it's the start of a 3-day weekend for me AND college football season kicks off tomorrow (ROLL TIDE). It's the weekend that most consider the "end of summer" and I'm feeling a little down about that. Can't say I've had much of a great summer.  I moved into this apt complex so I could be able to enjoy the pool. I was really looking forward to that. To getting a good tan, and drinking and hanging out and meeting lots of new people. But when I stopped drinking, it just wasn't as much fun anymore, or if I did go, being at the pool triggered me to want to drink. So I've been a total of 4 times this summer.


I went to the beach once for a few days, and it was just ok.  I tried to be fun and upbeat and have a good time, but honestly, I really didn't. I was two weeks into the IOP program and ended up drinking that weekend. It wasn't even that much fun because I just felt guilty about relapsing. And I still haven't learned how to have a good time without the alcohol. I've never been a really bubbly, fun, spontaneous person and I envy that in other people. The alcohol typically helped me to just feel "normal", and relaxed in social situations.  I don't feel that much anymore.


I didn't get to go to the mountains at all this summer, or camping or fishing  - which are the things I really enjoy most when I get to do them - and I only went on a couple of small hikes.  I didn't go to the lake to swim or go out in a boat, didn't go on vacation or spend much time with my kids. So that is all the things I DIDN'T do this summer. Things I typically associate with fun times.


Learning how to live in this new way of life really sucks for me most of the time. I've had brief periods where I've been able to have fun and be myself, usually only with other people who are in recovery too, because they tend to understand and accept you for the most part.


It strikes me that all I'm focusing on today is what I DIDN'T do this summer. Now lets look at what I DID do.


First off, I left my husband (on my birthday in May - a gift to myself I believed!) and walked away from a life and a relationship that was killing my spirit, and dragging me down into a deep, dark depression and lifestyle of drinking and drugging.  I was at a place that I didn't care if I lived or died and was losing all hope for a better life.


Funny thing is I'm still with him, we are still trying to "work things out", and I can see that in some ways he is really trying, but I get the feeling it may be too little too late.  I just don't enjoy being with him anymore. There, I said it.  I don't feel attracted to him, I don't find our conversations interesting or fun, sex feels like some kind of porn show with little emotional connection, and there's so much resentment and bitterness and anger toward him inside me that I don't know that I can ever get past that. I don't want to live in his house that he lived with his ex and raised his kids. It's out in the boonies (100 mile round trip each day to work and back for me), it's dirty, dark and depressing --- and I will never move back there. And he says he will never sell it or move away...so I'm still not sure what we're holding on to.


We are both such broken, hurting people. We used to be able to find comfort in each other, but too much has happened - too many lies, too many broken promises, too much disappointment and broken trust. I don't see us being able to get that back. Even if he did agree to sell his house and us buy something together closer to where I work, closer to church and friends and schools (for me to attend college)...still when I think about us living together again...all the silence and moodiness and controlling behavior and his porn habits, how I get when I'm with him - insecure, sneaky, moody, irritable, critical - I don't like the person I become. So I keep praying for guidance from God, and for me to be patient and not rush into anything I will regret and just take it a day at a time. So there's the one big thing I did for ME this summer.


And because of that I DID move into my own place, into a cute little apartment that I really love, and living alone for the first time EVER in my life (other than the times M or N is there). It's been a bit of a struggle financially, but that's only because of all the unexpected expense of N's being sick and all the doctor appts, co-pays, prescription costs, etc. 


I DID complete a 6 week Intensive Outpatient Partial-Hospitalization Program for Recovery from Addiction and Chemical Substances.  Yesterday was 60 DAYS clean and sober for me (I thought it was actually tomorrow, since my sobriety date is July 5th, but if I count days, my 60 day anniversary was actually yesterday.!! woo hoo!!).  Funny how this past week I've had the strongest urge to drink, more so than at any time up to this point. Maybe it's something about the 60 day mark, thought I've heard that the 90 is harder to get than the 60. If so, I'm not so sure I'll make it.


I think I've started looking too far ahead, trying to figure out what the next weeks or months will hold, and I need to go back to focusing on living in the present, getting the most out of today, one day at a time!


I can see that I'm trying to give myself a reason to drink again. Telling myself that I've done good this summer, I've got my head clear, made some good choices and good decisions and now I can have some fun. But I also know that if I start back drinking again, I may can do it "moderately" for a while, but eventually it will get out of control again....drinking to escape loneliness and pain, spending too much money, the horrible hangovers, the losing days recuperating from a drunk that could be spent enjoying life, the pain in my body that I get when I drink too much, the depression because of the stupid things I do when I drink....and most importantly, the fact that I will fail in this thing called sober living, and my children will follow in my footsteps of living a life of chaos and confusion.  I long to break the generational curse that's been on those in my family - and I hope to have it start with me.