Crazy night

My sleep patterns are screwed again. Last night was very fragmented. Kept waking up, tossing and turning, anxiety levels through the roof but couldn't put my finger on whatever was causing the anxiety.  I'm sure a lot of it is my "double mindedness" when it comes to M and our relationship. Part of me wants to be with him, because I do love him and care about him and his heart and his family and his life, but a big part of me really just wants to be free, to get off the roller coaster I've been on with him ever since we started this relationship seven years ago. Part of me wishes I'd never met him and wonders how much different my life would be now if I'd never fallen in love with him.  There have been some really good times between us, times that were the best I'd ever known, but sadly there have been so many more sad times, bad times, painful times, so much anxiety, confusion, uncertainty when it comes to him. I know he loves me, the best way he knows how to, and I would not want to hurt him for anything in the world. I wish we could just get on the same page for once and stay there.

Another cause for anxiety is my N (daughter) and my worries about her. I feel there is something weird going on with her since she started the Prozac. She was home briefly this weekend. Of course when she comes home I spend very little time with her since she stays out all night and sleeps all day.  M told me she looks happier and more content than he's seen her in a long time, but I didn't see it. I'm just really worried about her.

Another thing is that I've started drinking again. The past two weekends I've drank far too much. Got a bad case of the fuck its and just gave in. But I can't say it's really been all that fun. And the little fun I've had has not been worth the yucky feeling in my body the next day, waking up sore and headachy and not feeling like doing anything at all. What a crappy way to spend the day on a beautiful fall weekend.

Anyway, back to last night. Every time I'd wake up, I would find myself praying "help me God, show me the way, I don't know what to do, I need you so much".... the last thing I remember before I fell asleep and actually got some rest is the words "Just do the next right thing - you know what that is", "Just take it one day at a time, just for today" and "rest in me".... I've heard these words many times in recovery and in church services, so if I heed them, maybe I can get this life back on the right track.

One thing I've been doing is spending way too much time on the internet at work and letting my work duties slide. So I've got to do better with that, if I'm going to do the next right thing.