Rain, rain go away

So, this is my first blog post. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing or how this will look, but I'll get it over time. I've been feeling like I should do this for a while now. I've been reading a lot of blogs since I've been in recovery, and there are so many out there in blogger land that speak to my heart, that say just what I'm feeling, or what I need to hear. And in this time of me trying to make sense of my thoughts, feelings and emotions I thought maybe this would help sort some of the junk out. I've kept a journal off and on over the past 7-8 years but I've become lazy and just don't feel like writing much anymore.

I think maybe that typing my thoughts and feelings will be easier than writing it down in a notebook. My handwriting is like chicken scratch. No one would ever be able to decipher it but me. Maybe that's the point?

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain out my window. A dark dreary day, yet I felt God call me to wake up and spend time with Him. I read my Bible - just turning to random pages and reading what's there which is what I've always seemed to do. Never been one to systematically study a particular book or chapter or verse or topic. I just always want to "hear from God". I'm sure there's a better way to do this, but at least I'm trying. Trying to cultivate some "spriritual discipline" from the chaos that is in my mind most of the time. Yet 3 hours later I have no clue what it was I read.

And then I got down on my knees beside the bed to pray. I still feel somewhat disconnected though. Even though I've "been a Christian" for all these years, still I'm not sure what to say to Him, how to pray. The thought comes to me that there's really no "right or wrong" way, just talk to Him. So I did. Can't say that I felt better afterwards, but I do have faith, and I believe God hears my heart and knows that I'm seeking Him.

I have my Aftercare group meeting tonight. I'll have 60 days clean this Saturday. Just in time for the first Bama football game of the season. I've always looked forward to football season, and having fun with friends, drinking, going to games....but now I can't help but wonder how much fun it will be without the alcohol. I feel like I'm doing the BUDD thing - Building Up to Drink or Drug. I haven't been to a meeting all week, since group last Thursday night. First week since I graduated from the IOP program that I haven't made a meeting. So much for 90 in 90, huh?

I haven't talked to my sponsor either. I just don't feel a connection to her and I always think she's too busy to deal with me. I know she has 5 other sponsees and as long as I can keep from drinking, I feel that I'm doing ok and don't need to talk to her. So most times I just don't call. She's been my sponsor for about 6 weeks now and I've seen her face to face maybe 4 times, and only then when I go the meeting at her home group. I don't get much out of our conversations when we do talk. I don't see how she can get where I've been or where I am. I don't know. Maybe that's just me and this inpenetrable wall I keep up between the real me and everyone else.

I've been to a lot of different groups and meetings in the past 2 months, both AA and NA. I still don't have a "home group" and don't know which kind of group I should belong to. I don't feel like I FIT anywhere. But I haven't really been anywhere consistently either. I get a lot out of listening to the others, but I don't "share" very often, and I rush away from the meeting as soon as it's over. Just can't do the "small talk" thing. And then I also look around and have to ask "do I REALLY belong here? Is this really me?" I think some of these people trade one addiction (chemicals) for another (meetings, "way of life", etc) but then again some people do that with religion too and I have to admit I can be guilty of that. Telling myself that all I need is God and that I'm not like these other people and don't need these meetings. But I also feel very close to relapse, especially this weekend coming up, so I'm going to try to make it a point to get to some meetings this weekend.

I miss my IOP group so much. Out of the 5 of us who became very close through that time, 3 have gone back out and the other is in a halfway house. He and I are the only ones still sober as far as I know. It's sad, and frustrating too. They seemed so strong, and I counted on those friends to help keep me straight. I just knew that I had found others that I could relate to and build relationships with, and we could help each other through this new way of life. It just hit me that maybe I'm the one that supposed to be reaching out to them. I guess I should do that.

But in a way I'm jealous that they are finding the comfort that I wish I could find and I know it would not take much to get me to go back out too. Because I'm just not finding peace or happiness in sobriety. I long almost every day for a glass of wine, or a few beers, just to take the edge off. I thought after this much time it would get easier, but it's not. I'm not finding much "fun" in life these days. I keep thinking about "The Promises" and believing that I can have those for my life too, then my group leader in After Care tells me that those don't come until somewhere around Step Nine. WTF??? I'm only on the first step. I don't know if I can wait that long! The antidepressants the docs gave me don't seem to be working anymore and are in fact making my vision blurry, and throwing off my hormone balance so that I have miserable hot flashes too.

It seems all I have that I can truly count on and cling to from one moment to the next is God's love for me, and trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will. So just for today God, Grant me the Serenity please?