Monday, June 6, 2011
Here I am again
Same place, same emotions, same hopeless despairing uncertainty...am i doing the right thing? why does it feel so bad? where do I go from here? How many times can we "try again" and it end up in the same damn place, and I end up hurting so bad and trying to get over him again and move on with my life. But here I am stuck in place, not knowing is it me, is it him, is this the end, should I just give it more time, or should I finally find a way once and for all to cut the cord. Everything is so familiar about this = stuck in my apt alone, no desire to interact with people, but this terrible loneliness eating me up inside - the aching emptiness that comes with my attempts to purge M from my heart. Even though there are times I hate him, times I despise him and am totally disgusted by him....now is the time when I keep imagining what it used to be, what it could have been, and wondering if there's something I could do differently to make it work out for us....but that's the problem...it's too much damn work. Love is not supposed to be so hard! So why is it so hard to let go?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
What a week
I get this daily “Message from God” thing on Facebook and a few weeks ago it said something like: “If you want your life to change, you must first change yourself.” So I’ve been sort of taking that to heart and looking for ways to change small things that are important to me, and trying to make better choices in order to like who I am more. Not beating myself up so much, not obsessing so much about stuff, and doing more of the “one day at a time” and “will this make a difference a year from now” kind of thing. And trying to let go of trying to control the things I have no control over and that just makes life a whole lot simpler it seems.
The only down side is I seem to find myself in “isolation mode” probably for the past month or so. I’ve had absolutely no desire to get out and spend time with other people. I go to work, come home or go to class, watch TV, study (though I’m finding myself doing less and less of that!), do stuff around the apt, go to bed, and that’s about it. But I’ve been at peace doing that, so maybe it’s what I’ve needed to do for now. It’s sort of felt like a “nesting” thing, in preparation for facing the world and learning to do life in a new way. And I knew when it was time, I’d be ready to get back out into the world again, and I’ve been ok with that too. I’ve been so looking forward to warm weather and sunshine and a lightening of my spirit. I still am so ready for that! I”ve been spending more time with my daughter, and trying to be a good “role model” for her, and offering suggestions and advice when she seems willing to listen. And also, not trying to control her or her life so much – allowing her to make her own choices and deal with the consequences of that. It’s hard to find the balance between nurturing and enabling, but I’m getting better at it.
Then some things have happened in the past week that has caused me to start to rethink things with M again. What’s getting to me though is that for the first time since I’ve met him, the past few weeks have been a time of me finally being able and willing to let go of him and find some hope and excitement in anticipating my life without him in it, and feeling good about what that might look like. I’ve thought that I was there before, and then knew I wasn't ready to let go, but there was something different about it this time. A different feeling, a different certainty that life would be good again.
In our most recent interactions (though they have been few), I’ve felt free enough to "speak my truth" to him in an open and honest way, without trying to manipulate the conversation (or him) to obtain whatever outcome I think should happen.
Mr. Sponsorpants had a post recently that said something about "Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes" and it affirmed something within me of who I've been trying to be, and that it's necessary for me to figure out exactly what my truth is, and that it's ok to feel and say what is real to me.
So it’s felt GOOD to be honest with myself and with M and to finally be setting some boundaries on what I allow and don’t allow in my life, such as “When you do this, it hurts me. If you are going to participate in this behavior, I can't be around you, and if this is your choice, then stay away from me”. And so as a result of that, we've had no contact for about a month.
Then last week, he calls me last Tuesay night around 10:30 pm. He was working out of town, and he was drunk. He kept saying how much he missed me and just wanted to hear my voice....blah blah blah. I told him if you want to talk to me, call when you're not drinking, and hung up the phone. Friday night I wake up and he’s standing at the door of my bedroom (he still has a key to my apt). It was around midnight, and he was just standing there at my bedroom doorway watching me, and it creeped me out. He was drunk and started taking off his clothes and came and got in the bed with me. It made me furious! I told him this behavior was not acceptable to me, that it wasn’t ok for him to show up out of the blue, drunk, and just expect to get in bed with me. He tried to put his arm around me, and I pushed him away and turned my back to him and the next thing I know he's snoring on the pillow next to me. I didn’t feel good (been sick all week) and didn’t want to get into a big scene with him, so I just got up and went to the other bedroom and slept in there.
I was still pissed the next morning, as we sat and talked for a while. Once again I made it clear that I will not be married to a man who thinks it’s ok for him to go out to bars, clubs, whatever, and if that’s the way he chooses to live his life, then I won’t be a part of it. I told him that I didn’t want to deal with his “P” issues anymore or his risky behavior. I told him that if he keeps going out and drinking and driving around like he does, that he’s going to end up getting killed, or killing someone else or at the very least end up in jail but that it was his choice if that’s how he wants to live his life, I just don’t want to be a part of it.
It was so hard – I KNOW there’s a good man inside of him, I KNOW he is miserable living like this. He’s so caught up in his addictions, and pride and shame and hurt and is just numbing himself as much and as often as he can…I can see this so clearly, but I can’t fix it for him, and I don’t even want to anymore. So before he leaves, he says that he loves me, that he doesn’t want a divorce, but that he didn’t know what else to do. And he walked out.
So I couldn’t stop thinking about M all day Sunday. I prayed and I cried and I kept telling myself, just let go, move on, nothing you can do. He has to do it himself. He has to want it for himself….but I broke down and called him Sunday afternoon – invited him to come to a movie with me. We went to see Crazy Heart – about the alcoholic singer. I guess my thought was that he might see some of himself in Bad Blake and suddenly have some kind of epiphany and realize that he needed to change his ways. The movie was pretty depressing to me. When I mentioned to M afterwards that it wasn’t the happy ending I’d wanted to see, I realized that actually it WAS a happy ending for the girl – she got out and moved on. But the man was left alone, even after he sobered up and got his life together, it was too late for them to work things out. And that just made me very sad for him. And sad for M too, because I've felt that the time is getting close for me to get out and move on. And even if he does get himself together, it may be too little too late for us.
BUT, the time we spent together Sunday was good for both of us. I think we were both feeling battered and bruised and needed a break from the animosity between us. So there was some kind of silent agreement between us that we would cut each other some slack for the day, and just spent time together, snuggling, talking and hanging out.
We attempted to make love that night, but it was a disaster - too much tension, too much doubt, not enough of an emotional connection after all the weeks apart. I started crying and told him I just couldn't do this. So we just stopped and talked about what we were feeling and thinking, and then agreed to just hold each other and go to sleep. And it felt really good to just hold each other. The next morning, he didn’t say much except “It was really good to be with you. I think we both needed that. I love you, I will always love you and care about you, and if there’s any way we could fix things between us, I want to do that.” He called me at lunch on Monday, light conversation, then said he’d talk to me later.
So you know what I did? I spent the day at work looking for a couples weekend retreat / workshop for marriages in crises. I kept thinking, maybe we can try again. Maybe we can go away, learn some better tools to communicate, start doing some things differently, start over somehow. And I emailed a couple of the places to get more information. So I went home that night after work, half thinking that I might go stay with him, but I was still feeling sick so I just went home and laid down on the couch. I was half hoping he would be there at my place when I got there, but he wasn’t. I watched the clock for a while, waiting to see if he would call, and he didn’t. And I went to bed disappointed, but resigned and accepting that this is just the way it is and I might as well just get over it and move on.
So I get a call on my cell as I’m getting ready for work the next morning. He’s calling from jail and wants to know if I can come bail him out. He got himself a DUI and a night in a county cell. If you knew anything about M, you would know how deeply this would affect him. And I knew what it would do to him. I was torn between being upset and hurt for him, but then again there was some sick satisfaction in the feeling of “I told you so” and though I didn’t ever say that to him, he knew I was thinking it.
So I go to get him out….he’s a wreck, says this was his “bottom”, that he’s tired of living like this and is going to change. And he’s crying his heart out, he's humble and humiliated and swearing to me that he is done with living like this. Says he can and will do better by me and be a man that I can respect and be proud of and how he wants to win my love back and how he's going to show me that he is the man I fell in love with. He says he’s giving up the drinking and the “P” and wants to start going back to church and get involved there again and build a better life for us.
Silly fool that I am, I WANT to believe him. I know without a doubt, that at the moment he’s totally sincere, and seeing him so broken put a lot of dents in all these walls I’ve built up to keep him out. But yet I also know how easy it is to say you WANT to change when you go through a crisis, and how difficult it is to sustain that desire to change when life goes back to being somewhat normal after the crisis.
Still, I’m finding myself wanting to believe in him, and wanting to be able to hope for good things for us. I want the Mark that I fell in love with back. I want my marriage to work out and be a good one. I want a life with a “healthy” us. Even though I know I’m very capable of it, still I’m so tired of going it alone. And I don’t want to start over with anyone else, so here I go again allowing myself to hope that it could be different for us. That somehow we will be the exception and be able to have a good life together. And I’m scared to death to hope, and be disappointed again.
And so now I just want to let all that go, and try to focus on staying in the moment, in today….and deal with whatever happens tomorrow when it gets here. And I don’t even know why I’m writing all this, other than I just needed to get it out so I can get it out of my head.
I can’t really talk about this to my friends anymore. They are sick of dealing with me and the “cycle” of this relationship. If I talk to them about it, I feel like they will be disappointed in me, and think that I am weak for believing in him again. But I’m realizing that actually, I am not a weak person. In fact, I am a very strong woman. I’ve been through a lot, survived a lot, overcome a lot, in my life. Sure, I fall in love too quickly, too deeply and many times stay far too long in relationships that are not good for me. But always before, there came a time when I knew to let go and walk away. But none of the others were M. There’s just something in him that I truly and deeply love and am connected to.
No matter how many times I’m hurt, disappointed, angry, frustrated, whatever by him, I always find it too easy to want to forgive him and try again. Maybe it’s because I’m familiar with that lonely dark place inside that makes you do things you know you shouldn’t, or that you wouldn’t normally do, just to ease or numb the pain. And I know how easy it is to get into the habit of doing crappy things to the people you love, because you are miserable inside and you start pushing everyone else away because if they really knew you inside, they wouldn’t want to be with you anyway so you might as well push them away first. It’s easier to reject someone that to be rejected.
And it’s because we are kindred souls when it comes to these feelings, that I tell him that I’m willing to try, that we will just give it time and see how it goes. I remind him that it will take time for me to see if he’s serious, that my walls won’t come down overnight, that he destroyed my trust in him and it will take a lot for him to rebuild that. But I’m giving him the chance to prove it, and now it’s up to him. So we’ll see how it goes.
The only down side is I seem to find myself in “isolation mode” probably for the past month or so. I’ve had absolutely no desire to get out and spend time with other people. I go to work, come home or go to class, watch TV, study (though I’m finding myself doing less and less of that!), do stuff around the apt, go to bed, and that’s about it. But I’ve been at peace doing that, so maybe it’s what I’ve needed to do for now. It’s sort of felt like a “nesting” thing, in preparation for facing the world and learning to do life in a new way. And I knew when it was time, I’d be ready to get back out into the world again, and I’ve been ok with that too. I’ve been so looking forward to warm weather and sunshine and a lightening of my spirit. I still am so ready for that! I”ve been spending more time with my daughter, and trying to be a good “role model” for her, and offering suggestions and advice when she seems willing to listen. And also, not trying to control her or her life so much – allowing her to make her own choices and deal with the consequences of that. It’s hard to find the balance between nurturing and enabling, but I’m getting better at it.
Then some things have happened in the past week that has caused me to start to rethink things with M again. What’s getting to me though is that for the first time since I’ve met him, the past few weeks have been a time of me finally being able and willing to let go of him and find some hope and excitement in anticipating my life without him in it, and feeling good about what that might look like. I’ve thought that I was there before, and then knew I wasn't ready to let go, but there was something different about it this time. A different feeling, a different certainty that life would be good again.
In our most recent interactions (though they have been few), I’ve felt free enough to "speak my truth" to him in an open and honest way, without trying to manipulate the conversation (or him) to obtain whatever outcome I think should happen.
Mr. Sponsorpants had a post recently that said something about "Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes" and it affirmed something within me of who I've been trying to be, and that it's necessary for me to figure out exactly what my truth is, and that it's ok to feel and say what is real to me.
So it’s felt GOOD to be honest with myself and with M and to finally be setting some boundaries on what I allow and don’t allow in my life, such as “When you do this, it hurts me. If you are going to participate in this behavior, I can't be around you, and if this is your choice, then stay away from me”. And so as a result of that, we've had no contact for about a month.
Then last week, he calls me last Tuesay night around 10:30 pm. He was working out of town, and he was drunk. He kept saying how much he missed me and just wanted to hear my voice....blah blah blah. I told him if you want to talk to me, call when you're not drinking, and hung up the phone. Friday night I wake up and he’s standing at the door of my bedroom (he still has a key to my apt). It was around midnight, and he was just standing there at my bedroom doorway watching me, and it creeped me out. He was drunk and started taking off his clothes and came and got in the bed with me. It made me furious! I told him this behavior was not acceptable to me, that it wasn’t ok for him to show up out of the blue, drunk, and just expect to get in bed with me. He tried to put his arm around me, and I pushed him away and turned my back to him and the next thing I know he's snoring on the pillow next to me. I didn’t feel good (been sick all week) and didn’t want to get into a big scene with him, so I just got up and went to the other bedroom and slept in there.
I was still pissed the next morning, as we sat and talked for a while. Once again I made it clear that I will not be married to a man who thinks it’s ok for him to go out to bars, clubs, whatever, and if that’s the way he chooses to live his life, then I won’t be a part of it. I told him that I didn’t want to deal with his “P” issues anymore or his risky behavior. I told him that if he keeps going out and drinking and driving around like he does, that he’s going to end up getting killed, or killing someone else or at the very least end up in jail but that it was his choice if that’s how he wants to live his life, I just don’t want to be a part of it.
It was so hard – I KNOW there’s a good man inside of him, I KNOW he is miserable living like this. He’s so caught up in his addictions, and pride and shame and hurt and is just numbing himself as much and as often as he can…I can see this so clearly, but I can’t fix it for him, and I don’t even want to anymore. So before he leaves, he says that he loves me, that he doesn’t want a divorce, but that he didn’t know what else to do. And he walked out.
So I couldn’t stop thinking about M all day Sunday. I prayed and I cried and I kept telling myself, just let go, move on, nothing you can do. He has to do it himself. He has to want it for himself….but I broke down and called him Sunday afternoon – invited him to come to a movie with me. We went to see Crazy Heart – about the alcoholic singer. I guess my thought was that he might see some of himself in Bad Blake and suddenly have some kind of epiphany and realize that he needed to change his ways. The movie was pretty depressing to me. When I mentioned to M afterwards that it wasn’t the happy ending I’d wanted to see, I realized that actually it WAS a happy ending for the girl – she got out and moved on. But the man was left alone, even after he sobered up and got his life together, it was too late for them to work things out. And that just made me very sad for him. And sad for M too, because I've felt that the time is getting close for me to get out and move on. And even if he does get himself together, it may be too little too late for us.
BUT, the time we spent together Sunday was good for both of us. I think we were both feeling battered and bruised and needed a break from the animosity between us. So there was some kind of silent agreement between us that we would cut each other some slack for the day, and just spent time together, snuggling, talking and hanging out.
We attempted to make love that night, but it was a disaster - too much tension, too much doubt, not enough of an emotional connection after all the weeks apart. I started crying and told him I just couldn't do this. So we just stopped and talked about what we were feeling and thinking, and then agreed to just hold each other and go to sleep. And it felt really good to just hold each other. The next morning, he didn’t say much except “It was really good to be with you. I think we both needed that. I love you, I will always love you and care about you, and if there’s any way we could fix things between us, I want to do that.” He called me at lunch on Monday, light conversation, then said he’d talk to me later.
So you know what I did? I spent the day at work looking for a couples weekend retreat / workshop for marriages in crises. I kept thinking, maybe we can try again. Maybe we can go away, learn some better tools to communicate, start doing some things differently, start over somehow. And I emailed a couple of the places to get more information. So I went home that night after work, half thinking that I might go stay with him, but I was still feeling sick so I just went home and laid down on the couch. I was half hoping he would be there at my place when I got there, but he wasn’t. I watched the clock for a while, waiting to see if he would call, and he didn’t. And I went to bed disappointed, but resigned and accepting that this is just the way it is and I might as well just get over it and move on.
So I get a call on my cell as I’m getting ready for work the next morning. He’s calling from jail and wants to know if I can come bail him out. He got himself a DUI and a night in a county cell. If you knew anything about M, you would know how deeply this would affect him. And I knew what it would do to him. I was torn between being upset and hurt for him, but then again there was some sick satisfaction in the feeling of “I told you so” and though I didn’t ever say that to him, he knew I was thinking it.
So I go to get him out….he’s a wreck, says this was his “bottom”, that he’s tired of living like this and is going to change. And he’s crying his heart out, he's humble and humiliated and swearing to me that he is done with living like this. Says he can and will do better by me and be a man that I can respect and be proud of and how he wants to win my love back and how he's going to show me that he is the man I fell in love with. He says he’s giving up the drinking and the “P” and wants to start going back to church and get involved there again and build a better life for us.
Silly fool that I am, I WANT to believe him. I know without a doubt, that at the moment he’s totally sincere, and seeing him so broken put a lot of dents in all these walls I’ve built up to keep him out. But yet I also know how easy it is to say you WANT to change when you go through a crisis, and how difficult it is to sustain that desire to change when life goes back to being somewhat normal after the crisis.
Still, I’m finding myself wanting to believe in him, and wanting to be able to hope for good things for us. I want the Mark that I fell in love with back. I want my marriage to work out and be a good one. I want a life with a “healthy” us. Even though I know I’m very capable of it, still I’m so tired of going it alone. And I don’t want to start over with anyone else, so here I go again allowing myself to hope that it could be different for us. That somehow we will be the exception and be able to have a good life together. And I’m scared to death to hope, and be disappointed again.
And so now I just want to let all that go, and try to focus on staying in the moment, in today….and deal with whatever happens tomorrow when it gets here. And I don’t even know why I’m writing all this, other than I just needed to get it out so I can get it out of my head.
I can’t really talk about this to my friends anymore. They are sick of dealing with me and the “cycle” of this relationship. If I talk to them about it, I feel like they will be disappointed in me, and think that I am weak for believing in him again. But I’m realizing that actually, I am not a weak person. In fact, I am a very strong woman. I’ve been through a lot, survived a lot, overcome a lot, in my life. Sure, I fall in love too quickly, too deeply and many times stay far too long in relationships that are not good for me. But always before, there came a time when I knew to let go and walk away. But none of the others were M. There’s just something in him that I truly and deeply love and am connected to.
No matter how many times I’m hurt, disappointed, angry, frustrated, whatever by him, I always find it too easy to want to forgive him and try again. Maybe it’s because I’m familiar with that lonely dark place inside that makes you do things you know you shouldn’t, or that you wouldn’t normally do, just to ease or numb the pain. And I know how easy it is to get into the habit of doing crappy things to the people you love, because you are miserable inside and you start pushing everyone else away because if they really knew you inside, they wouldn’t want to be with you anyway so you might as well push them away first. It’s easier to reject someone that to be rejected.
And it’s because we are kindred souls when it comes to these feelings, that I tell him that I’m willing to try, that we will just give it time and see how it goes. I remind him that it will take time for me to see if he’s serious, that my walls won’t come down overnight, that he destroyed my trust in him and it will take a lot for him to rebuild that. But I’m giving him the chance to prove it, and now it’s up to him. So we’ll see how it goes.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Update and restart
I found a song that feels like where my heart is right now. M (soon-to-be maybe ex hub) showed up at my door early December, drunk - crying, miserable and begging me to "let's just make it through the holidays together, and then we'll figure all the rest out".
I let him in to hear what he had to say, even though i didn't much want to talk to him. I confronted him about the hotel stay the night after I left, and he admitted that he had in fact met a woman there and had sex with her. Told me he felt rejected, insecure and abandoned and needed to prove that someone wanted him. So he calls the woman he met at a bar and that (turns out) he's been "talking to" off and on since I left him last May. She meets him at the hotel, they have sex, and she goes home and he hasn't talked to her since (supposedly). As he was telling me all this, with me asking few questions about details (which as usual he skirted around the answers without giving away too many details)...I just felt numb. I didn't feel a thing, except satisfaction that I now knew for sure what I'd suspected for a while. It was so weird to me that I didn't even cry - still haven't. I felt like I SHOULD be devastated - after all, here was my "line" that I had told myself would be IT for me if he ever crossed it (physical infidelity) and I felt nothing at the time, just wanted him out of my apartment. When he left, I went to bed, went to sleep and slept like a baby.
The next night we met for dinner to "talk it out". I had every intention of walking away for good that night. Instead, we left the restaurant, went to a bar, and proceeded to get very drunk. We stayed at the bar from 7 pm - 3 am, drinking and dancing , and I ended up staying with him at a hotel that night and having sex with him for hours. I believe something in me wanted to just prove that I'm better and more fun than whatever other woman he's been with and to show him what he's missing by not being with me? how sick is that?
So we decide to just not make any decisions about us until after the holidays. We made counseling appointments, we talked about getting back into church and a recovery program for both of us (never happened).
I spent the holidays telling myself that what's done is done, we can start over and work together to have a good marriage. We both seemed eager and willing to do this. Every time the image of him with another woman would come up in my head, I would block it out, tell myself that it didn't matter, didn't mean anything. He said he would "work on doing better" about the porn use (whatever that meant). I made excuses for him, justified his bad behavior again and again, and just kept pretending that everything was ok.
The day after Christmas, I looked at the history on his laptop. I couldn't help it. I had kept my end of the bargain, to "help us have a good holiday together" and once that was gone, there was no reason for me to pretend anymore. So the internet history logs showed just how much he had been "working on" his porn use. There were pages and pages of porn sites, adult friend finder registration, women's profiles from match.com that he'd viewed, and this stuff was taking place every.single.day. So the "truce" (or my willingness to just let things slide) was off, and things went down hill quickly from there.
Since that time (last week in December) we've been off and on as far as "being together". We'll have a blow up about something, spend a few days not seeing each other or talking and then as usual one or the other of us will give in and contact the other and it's on again from there. We've been to one marriage counseling appt and each of us an individual appt. We have another couples therapy appt for next week, but I think he's going to be working out of town, and I honestly just don't see the point in going. We go round and round and round about the same things, and nothing.ever.changes!
All of this drama with him that I'm dealing with is on top of everything else going on in my life - my 19 yr old daughter (N) moved back in with me in December. I gave up my little oasis of serentiy in the woods and moved to a 2 BR apt in the same complex. The only unit available when I needed it is right in the middle of everything which means it's noisier, dirtier and less private. Also, with a bigger place and another person to provide for comes higher rent, higher utilities, higher costs for food, supplies, etc. So my finances have become very tight, but yay me, I'm still making it ok on my own. I'm broke a lot but I'm used to that.
I had to pay for N's tuition and books from my Christmas bonus, so Christmas was tighter financially than in years past (and I still spent too much!). At least she is in school now and is finally working at a local restaurant. She just blows every dime she makes on booze, weed and partying. I thought I would get reimbursed for these expenses when she received her student loan money. But later found out that the new school will only allow so much per yr in loans, and she had reached her max for the 2009/10 school year already. No reimbursement for me, and if she takes any classes this summer, those will have to be paid for out of pocket also - guess who will have to do that if she goes? She really needs to go to class this summer to make up for some of the credits she missed the past year and a half she blew off her studies prior to moving home with me.
But she never even has gas money to get to school and work, so I'm sure she will never come up with the money for tuition and books by May. So if she goes, guess who will get to pay for it? yeah, me again. But I keep telling myself I need to encourage her to take some ownership of what happens with her life. Her getting a college degree is my hope and dream for her. She looks at it as her entitlement and that a college education is something the parent is supposed to provide for their child. Even though my parents didn't do it for me or any of my sisters, my sister is not doing it for her children and I didn't do it for my boys when they were her age, so why do I feel such a need to do it for her? Would it be such a big deal if I made it her responsibility to come up with the money for her books and tuition for summer classes? If I didn't pay for it, would it mean enough to her for her to make it happen? Somehow I doubt it.
So I'm dealing with a lot of codepency / enabling when it comes to her and not a small amount of resentment toward her because I feel used, and resentful towards me because I'm allowing it all to be this way. I just suck at parenting, and I honestly don't know where to start in trying to change things with her. I tell myself that she is making progress. She's back in school and she's working. She's not spending all day in bed and all night in the streets as she did for months before she started school, so that's progress, right? The rest will come in time and I shouldn't expect miracles to happen with her in a matter of weeks, right? (sigh....)
So brilliant person that I am, in the midst of all this, I decided to go back to school myself. What's a little more stress added to what I'm already drowning in? But it's something I've wanted to do for myself for a very long time. And you know what, it's the ONE thing in my life right now that I feel good about, the one thing I am attempting to do that could make my life better and different than what it's been. It's harder than I thought it would be, and many times I doubt my ability to stick with it or to finish, but for now, I've made a start and it feels good.
I haven't talked to M since Saturday (more on that on another post) and for some reason it just feels different this time. I've been praying for God to help me get unstuck from this relationship, for Him to do for me what I can't seem to do for myself. I would like to say that I'm done with this man, this marriage, and done with being miserable and unhappy with him in my life. But I've said that before and always went back for more. I don't know though. Maybe my prayers will be answered and it will be different this time, maybe I can be free of this man once and for all. Seven years is a long time to be in the wilderness.
I was listening to music videos last night and came across this song below. It hit me hard in my gut, that THIS feeling they are talking about is what is within me right now. I keep telling myself I can forgive what M has done, but honestly, I'm just not at a place where I WANT to right now.
My therapist suggested I write out my list of resentments toward M, get it all out and put it down on paper in order to move toward forgiveness. I balked at doing that - told him there was just so much that it would take me forever to list everything that's happened over the years that I'm resentful toward him about. And how can I even start to forgive him for the same behavior he keeps doing over and over again?
Right now I'm just ANGRY at him. I'm angry that the love I felt for him that was once so beautiful and pure and sincere, has now been twisted into something dark, ugly, and painful. I'm sure my codepency and "love addict" behaviors didn't make things any easier for us. And I'll have to take some time to look at my role in all this too. But for today, I just want to stay mad. It's easier and less painful this way.
So here's my new theme song for today. I wish I knew how to load videos here (if anyone can help me with that I would be thankful!) but this is the link to the music video and the lyrics are below:
NOT READY TO MAKE NICE by Dixie Chicks
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I let him in to hear what he had to say, even though i didn't much want to talk to him. I confronted him about the hotel stay the night after I left, and he admitted that he had in fact met a woman there and had sex with her. Told me he felt rejected, insecure and abandoned and needed to prove that someone wanted him. So he calls the woman he met at a bar and that (turns out) he's been "talking to" off and on since I left him last May. She meets him at the hotel, they have sex, and she goes home and he hasn't talked to her since (supposedly). As he was telling me all this, with me asking few questions about details (which as usual he skirted around the answers without giving away too many details)...I just felt numb. I didn't feel a thing, except satisfaction that I now knew for sure what I'd suspected for a while. It was so weird to me that I didn't even cry - still haven't. I felt like I SHOULD be devastated - after all, here was my "line" that I had told myself would be IT for me if he ever crossed it (physical infidelity) and I felt nothing at the time, just wanted him out of my apartment. When he left, I went to bed, went to sleep and slept like a baby.
The next night we met for dinner to "talk it out". I had every intention of walking away for good that night. Instead, we left the restaurant, went to a bar, and proceeded to get very drunk. We stayed at the bar from 7 pm - 3 am, drinking and dancing , and I ended up staying with him at a hotel that night and having sex with him for hours. I believe something in me wanted to just prove that I'm better and more fun than whatever other woman he's been with and to show him what he's missing by not being with me? how sick is that?
So we decide to just not make any decisions about us until after the holidays. We made counseling appointments, we talked about getting back into church and a recovery program for both of us (never happened).
I spent the holidays telling myself that what's done is done, we can start over and work together to have a good marriage. We both seemed eager and willing to do this. Every time the image of him with another woman would come up in my head, I would block it out, tell myself that it didn't matter, didn't mean anything. He said he would "work on doing better" about the porn use (whatever that meant). I made excuses for him, justified his bad behavior again and again, and just kept pretending that everything was ok.
The day after Christmas, I looked at the history on his laptop. I couldn't help it. I had kept my end of the bargain, to "help us have a good holiday together" and once that was gone, there was no reason for me to pretend anymore. So the internet history logs showed just how much he had been "working on" his porn use. There were pages and pages of porn sites, adult friend finder registration, women's profiles from match.com that he'd viewed, and this stuff was taking place every.single.day. So the "truce" (or my willingness to just let things slide) was off, and things went down hill quickly from there.
Since that time (last week in December) we've been off and on as far as "being together". We'll have a blow up about something, spend a few days not seeing each other or talking and then as usual one or the other of us will give in and contact the other and it's on again from there. We've been to one marriage counseling appt and each of us an individual appt. We have another couples therapy appt for next week, but I think he's going to be working out of town, and I honestly just don't see the point in going. We go round and round and round about the same things, and nothing.ever.changes!
All of this drama with him that I'm dealing with is on top of everything else going on in my life - my 19 yr old daughter (N) moved back in with me in December. I gave up my little oasis of serentiy in the woods and moved to a 2 BR apt in the same complex. The only unit available when I needed it is right in the middle of everything which means it's noisier, dirtier and less private. Also, with a bigger place and another person to provide for comes higher rent, higher utilities, higher costs for food, supplies, etc. So my finances have become very tight, but yay me, I'm still making it ok on my own. I'm broke a lot but I'm used to that.
I had to pay for N's tuition and books from my Christmas bonus, so Christmas was tighter financially than in years past (and I still spent too much!). At least she is in school now and is finally working at a local restaurant. She just blows every dime she makes on booze, weed and partying. I thought I would get reimbursed for these expenses when she received her student loan money. But later found out that the new school will only allow so much per yr in loans, and she had reached her max for the 2009/10 school year already. No reimbursement for me, and if she takes any classes this summer, those will have to be paid for out of pocket also - guess who will have to do that if she goes? She really needs to go to class this summer to make up for some of the credits she missed the past year and a half she blew off her studies prior to moving home with me.
But she never even has gas money to get to school and work, so I'm sure she will never come up with the money for tuition and books by May. So if she goes, guess who will get to pay for it? yeah, me again. But I keep telling myself I need to encourage her to take some ownership of what happens with her life. Her getting a college degree is my hope and dream for her. She looks at it as her entitlement and that a college education is something the parent is supposed to provide for their child. Even though my parents didn't do it for me or any of my sisters, my sister is not doing it for her children and I didn't do it for my boys when they were her age, so why do I feel such a need to do it for her? Would it be such a big deal if I made it her responsibility to come up with the money for her books and tuition for summer classes? If I didn't pay for it, would it mean enough to her for her to make it happen? Somehow I doubt it.
So I'm dealing with a lot of codepency / enabling when it comes to her and not a small amount of resentment toward her because I feel used, and resentful towards me because I'm allowing it all to be this way. I just suck at parenting, and I honestly don't know where to start in trying to change things with her. I tell myself that she is making progress. She's back in school and she's working. She's not spending all day in bed and all night in the streets as she did for months before she started school, so that's progress, right? The rest will come in time and I shouldn't expect miracles to happen with her in a matter of weeks, right? (sigh....)
So brilliant person that I am, in the midst of all this, I decided to go back to school myself. What's a little more stress added to what I'm already drowning in? But it's something I've wanted to do for myself for a very long time. And you know what, it's the ONE thing in my life right now that I feel good about, the one thing I am attempting to do that could make my life better and different than what it's been. It's harder than I thought it would be, and many times I doubt my ability to stick with it or to finish, but for now, I've made a start and it feels good.
I haven't talked to M since Saturday (more on that on another post) and for some reason it just feels different this time. I've been praying for God to help me get unstuck from this relationship, for Him to do for me what I can't seem to do for myself. I would like to say that I'm done with this man, this marriage, and done with being miserable and unhappy with him in my life. But I've said that before and always went back for more. I don't know though. Maybe my prayers will be answered and it will be different this time, maybe I can be free of this man once and for all. Seven years is a long time to be in the wilderness.
I was listening to music videos last night and came across this song below. It hit me hard in my gut, that THIS feeling they are talking about is what is within me right now. I keep telling myself I can forgive what M has done, but honestly, I'm just not at a place where I WANT to right now.
My therapist suggested I write out my list of resentments toward M, get it all out and put it down on paper in order to move toward forgiveness. I balked at doing that - told him there was just so much that it would take me forever to list everything that's happened over the years that I'm resentful toward him about. And how can I even start to forgive him for the same behavior he keeps doing over and over again?
Right now I'm just ANGRY at him. I'm angry that the love I felt for him that was once so beautiful and pure and sincere, has now been twisted into something dark, ugly, and painful. I'm sure my codepency and "love addict" behaviors didn't make things any easier for us. And I'll have to take some time to look at my role in all this too. But for today, I just want to stay mad. It's easier and less painful this way.
So here's my new theme song for today. I wish I knew how to load videos here (if anyone can help me with that I would be thankful!) but this is the link to the music video and the lyrics are below:
NOT READY TO MAKE NICE by Dixie Chicks
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
Friday, November 20, 2009
Fridays mean decisions to make
Should I:
- go to Celebrate Recovery tonight? The one I've been thinking about for weeks now, but have yet to make it to? It's on the other side of town from where I live, and would be a long drive home but it's supposedly a big meeting (100+ people) and many small groups to choose from, and I NEED to get back into some kind of recovery program, so that I can MOVE FORWARD with my life, instead of feeling this awkward sense of limbo that I've been dealing with the past few weeks
----but, it's a LONG meeting - large group at 7, small group at 8, "fellowship" afterward from 9 until "whenever". That's the part I get so frustrated with myself because I can make myself somewhat invisible during large group, just listen and not participate too much in small group, so I don't draw attention to myself. But who do I talk to, what do I talk about, after the groups? In the "fellowship" part of the event. I don't do well with the social small talk, especially with people I've never met before, and no matter what meeting I attend, I tend to rush out as soon as it's over, and don't much participate in the "meeting after the meeting", which is when the connections are made with others, which is what I yearn for, the relationship with people that I can be real with, no masks, no pretenses, acceptance. But it's also what I tend to avoid. Crazy, huh?
Also, N came home last night, long enough to drop her things and her bf's dog at my apt and leave again (at 10:30 pm) to go out to friends house. I'm not sure what time she got back home but she was sleeping on the couch when I got up this morning and I woke her up and got her to get in my bed. Can't wait till we get the 2 BR so she'll have her own space when she comes home.
I was worried about her driving out alone that late at night, and as usual got all worried about her, and instead of "giving it to God" like I've been trying to make it a point to do, instead I took a nerve pill knowing i needed to sleep so I could get up early for work. So I must have got into a really deep sleep because I woke up at 11:45 after what seemed like a full night of horrible nightmares - not just one but several different ones, all within the span of like one hour. I still remember the gist of them today, which is unusual for me because I generally don't remember my dreams or nightmares. Suffice it to say, it freaked me out enough that I sat up in bed, turned on the light, went to the kitchen and got water (and candy of course - I needed comfort!) and then I smoked a cigarette before allowing myself to fall back to sleep. Had to clear the cobwebs out of my head to realize what was real and what was not, so I could feel comfortable going back to sleep.
Another choice for tonight:
- go to the CODA meeting here in town. I've never been to it before, but I've been considering getting involved in a codepency 12 step program. It would only be for one hour and then I'd have the rest of my night free - ummm to do what? Go home and spend maybe an hour or so with my daughter (while she's getting ready to go out with her friends for the night), and then be alone for the rest of the night? Sitting on the couch, watching TV, flipping from one channel to the other during commercials, smoking cigarrettes and being lonely, like I've done EVERY FREAKIN NIGHT for the past two weeks. I have no money to go out, go to a movie, meet friends for dinner, so that's exactly what it would be, another night home alone. That doesn't sound too appealing to me.
What I miss most about attending AA/NA meetings is that there was always some place to GO. I never minded not having any plans because I could always catch a meeting, and even if I didn't talk to a single person, I was "in the midst" of other adults, people I could identify with, and I almost always got some nugget of wisdom from something someone said that made me feel better about where I was that day. The more recovery blogs I read about other women around my age who are living the sober life and finding it fulfilling and fun, well it kinda makes me want that too.
The problem there is, I'm not convinced I'm an alcoholic (for many reasons). The fact that I don't want to stop drinking and that I'm fighting so hard against doing that SHOULD probably be enough to convince me, but it's not. It's not an "unmanageable" part of my life, and only seems to be a "symptom" of all the other junk that is buried down deep, and fact is, I enjoy drinking occasionally and moderately. It's not an everyday part of my life, and hasn't caused me any major problems, other than the occasional hangover from hell, but that's because the older I get, the less my body can handle even small amounts of alcohol (maybe another reason not to do it? duh). If you're reading this, I'm sure you can probably spot the denial in my words and thoughts, but hey, honestly, I just don't want to stop drinking right now anymore than I want to stop smoking, or watching TV or reading or any of the other things in my life that I enjoy that I tend to use to "escape" at times.
I know I'm horribly codependent, have absurdly low self-esteem, I tend to isolate, don't feel comfortable in my own skin a large part of the time, I suck at romantic relationships because of the men I tend to be drawn to that can never be and will never be who I want and need them to be....and a long list of other "issues", but I really don't believe at my core that alcohol is the root of the problem. Maybe I'm just in denial and haven't hit my bottom yet. I don't know, but I don't think so.
Which is why I'm looking for CODA meetings or ACOA meetings or Celebrate Recovery. Some place I can get a sponsor, work the steps and learn to change the old stinking thinking patterns and get out of my own head long enough to actually enjoy living this beautiful life I've been blessed with.
Other choices for this weekend that have to be made:
--go the game tomorrow with girlfriend or not. One of the guys at work gave me free tickets, but my team (#2 in the nation) is playing a team that is not even ranked (it's more like a "practice game") and the game is at 11:00 a.m., and over an hour's drive, which means we'd need to leave by around 9 a.m. which means no lazy Saturday morning for me...AND the friend I'm considering going with has to be back early to be in a wedding so we may end up having to leave the game early. On top of that, I have very little money to spend, so I won't be able to afford the $4 cokes and water at the game. It's supposed to be cool and rainy so also not a very fun way to spend 3 hours or more sitting on a cold concrete bench in the stadium. BUT ---- It's MY TEAM and I love going to the games just to be there and soak in the atmosphere and I need to prove to myself that I can go out and do something fun and I need to be around people because for God's sakes I've had very little face to face adult interaction PERIOD (other than people from work) in the past 2 weeks and I NEED to do something fun to get out of my own head for a while.
--church on Sunday - should I go to TCBH, or not? I love my church but there's always the chance of running into M there. He RARELY goes, but if he does, that's where he goes and I'm totally not strong enough to deal with seeing him face to face any time soon.
And on top of that, it just bugs the shit out of me to be around all those people that know me and M as a "couple" and there's always someone asking me "how is M?" and it's just so awkward to say "we're not together" and all the pitying looks that I get once that leaves my mouth, because of course everyone thinks he is such an awesome guy and a great catch, that they can't imagine that it's anything HE"S done to cause the breakup, so it must be something wrong with me, right? Something lacking in me that I wasn't able to "hold on to my man". It feels awkward and uncomfortable and more than that it makes me mad as HELL, that it's come to this, that he's not there with me like he should be. We should be a couple, we should be living life together, it should never have turned out like this and it hurts and I'm frustrated and angry with him...and I say all that to say this, that no matter how much I love my church - the music, the message, the spiritual strength I get from being there...to have that I also have to have all these other yucky feelings and so on many Sunday mornings I wake up and just can't deal with dealing with that, so I just roll over and go back to sleep and try to figure out what else to do with my day.
I want to find a new church, need a new place to worship where I want have to deal with all the junk from the past. I want a new scene, new friends, new opportunities to get involved in service work, experience new things that do not remind me of old memories and trigger crappy feelings. But on the other hand, in spite of those people I want to avoid, I also have some real friends there, friends who know the real me and love me and want me around....and there is some comfort in the familiarity of what's been my church home for the past 7 1/2 years, but maybe it's time for God to do a new thing in me and for some reason, I just cant do it at TCBH. I'm still praying for God to lead me where I should be, and I believe in time I'll get there.
Wow, long post. Thanks if you're still reading. I need to post more often, but like today, once I get started all this stuff just seems to spew out of my head and I wind up spending more time than I should here. It will be much better once I get my laptop, which hopefully I'll be able to get with bonus money that's supposed to be coming soon. I need one for school anyway, so it won't be splurging, it's a necessity :-)
So off to get some work done now. Have an awesome weekend!
- go to Celebrate Recovery tonight? The one I've been thinking about for weeks now, but have yet to make it to? It's on the other side of town from where I live, and would be a long drive home but it's supposedly a big meeting (100+ people) and many small groups to choose from, and I NEED to get back into some kind of recovery program, so that I can MOVE FORWARD with my life, instead of feeling this awkward sense of limbo that I've been dealing with the past few weeks
----but, it's a LONG meeting - large group at 7, small group at 8, "fellowship" afterward from 9 until "whenever". That's the part I get so frustrated with myself because I can make myself somewhat invisible during large group, just listen and not participate too much in small group, so I don't draw attention to myself. But who do I talk to, what do I talk about, after the groups? In the "fellowship" part of the event. I don't do well with the social small talk, especially with people I've never met before, and no matter what meeting I attend, I tend to rush out as soon as it's over, and don't much participate in the "meeting after the meeting", which is when the connections are made with others, which is what I yearn for, the relationship with people that I can be real with, no masks, no pretenses, acceptance. But it's also what I tend to avoid. Crazy, huh?
Also, N came home last night, long enough to drop her things and her bf's dog at my apt and leave again (at 10:30 pm) to go out to friends house. I'm not sure what time she got back home but she was sleeping on the couch when I got up this morning and I woke her up and got her to get in my bed. Can't wait till we get the 2 BR so she'll have her own space when she comes home.
I was worried about her driving out alone that late at night, and as usual got all worried about her, and instead of "giving it to God" like I've been trying to make it a point to do, instead I took a nerve pill knowing i needed to sleep so I could get up early for work. So I must have got into a really deep sleep because I woke up at 11:45 after what seemed like a full night of horrible nightmares - not just one but several different ones, all within the span of like one hour. I still remember the gist of them today, which is unusual for me because I generally don't remember my dreams or nightmares. Suffice it to say, it freaked me out enough that I sat up in bed, turned on the light, went to the kitchen and got water (and candy of course - I needed comfort!) and then I smoked a cigarette before allowing myself to fall back to sleep. Had to clear the cobwebs out of my head to realize what was real and what was not, so I could feel comfortable going back to sleep.
Another choice for tonight:
- go to the CODA meeting here in town. I've never been to it before, but I've been considering getting involved in a codepency 12 step program. It would only be for one hour and then I'd have the rest of my night free - ummm to do what? Go home and spend maybe an hour or so with my daughter (while she's getting ready to go out with her friends for the night), and then be alone for the rest of the night? Sitting on the couch, watching TV, flipping from one channel to the other during commercials, smoking cigarrettes and being lonely, like I've done EVERY FREAKIN NIGHT for the past two weeks. I have no money to go out, go to a movie, meet friends for dinner, so that's exactly what it would be, another night home alone. That doesn't sound too appealing to me.
What I miss most about attending AA/NA meetings is that there was always some place to GO. I never minded not having any plans because I could always catch a meeting, and even if I didn't talk to a single person, I was "in the midst" of other adults, people I could identify with, and I almost always got some nugget of wisdom from something someone said that made me feel better about where I was that day. The more recovery blogs I read about other women around my age who are living the sober life and finding it fulfilling and fun, well it kinda makes me want that too.
The problem there is, I'm not convinced I'm an alcoholic (for many reasons). The fact that I don't want to stop drinking and that I'm fighting so hard against doing that SHOULD probably be enough to convince me, but it's not. It's not an "unmanageable" part of my life, and only seems to be a "symptom" of all the other junk that is buried down deep, and fact is, I enjoy drinking occasionally and moderately. It's not an everyday part of my life, and hasn't caused me any major problems, other than the occasional hangover from hell, but that's because the older I get, the less my body can handle even small amounts of alcohol (maybe another reason not to do it? duh). If you're reading this, I'm sure you can probably spot the denial in my words and thoughts, but hey, honestly, I just don't want to stop drinking right now anymore than I want to stop smoking, or watching TV or reading or any of the other things in my life that I enjoy that I tend to use to "escape" at times.
I know I'm horribly codependent, have absurdly low self-esteem, I tend to isolate, don't feel comfortable in my own skin a large part of the time, I suck at romantic relationships because of the men I tend to be drawn to that can never be and will never be who I want and need them to be....and a long list of other "issues", but I really don't believe at my core that alcohol is the root of the problem. Maybe I'm just in denial and haven't hit my bottom yet. I don't know, but I don't think so.
Which is why I'm looking for CODA meetings or ACOA meetings or Celebrate Recovery. Some place I can get a sponsor, work the steps and learn to change the old stinking thinking patterns and get out of my own head long enough to actually enjoy living this beautiful life I've been blessed with.
Other choices for this weekend that have to be made:
--go the game tomorrow with girlfriend or not. One of the guys at work gave me free tickets, but my team (#2 in the nation) is playing a team that is not even ranked (it's more like a "practice game") and the game is at 11:00 a.m., and over an hour's drive, which means we'd need to leave by around 9 a.m. which means no lazy Saturday morning for me...AND the friend I'm considering going with has to be back early to be in a wedding so we may end up having to leave the game early. On top of that, I have very little money to spend, so I won't be able to afford the $4 cokes and water at the game. It's supposed to be cool and rainy so also not a very fun way to spend 3 hours or more sitting on a cold concrete bench in the stadium. BUT ---- It's MY TEAM and I love going to the games just to be there and soak in the atmosphere and I need to prove to myself that I can go out and do something fun and I need to be around people because for God's sakes I've had very little face to face adult interaction PERIOD (other than people from work) in the past 2 weeks and I NEED to do something fun to get out of my own head for a while.
--church on Sunday - should I go to TCBH, or not? I love my church but there's always the chance of running into M there. He RARELY goes, but if he does, that's where he goes and I'm totally not strong enough to deal with seeing him face to face any time soon.
And on top of that, it just bugs the shit out of me to be around all those people that know me and M as a "couple" and there's always someone asking me "how is M?" and it's just so awkward to say "we're not together" and all the pitying looks that I get once that leaves my mouth, because of course everyone thinks he is such an awesome guy and a great catch, that they can't imagine that it's anything HE"S done to cause the breakup, so it must be something wrong with me, right? Something lacking in me that I wasn't able to "hold on to my man". It feels awkward and uncomfortable and more than that it makes me mad as HELL, that it's come to this, that he's not there with me like he should be. We should be a couple, we should be living life together, it should never have turned out like this and it hurts and I'm frustrated and angry with him...and I say all that to say this, that no matter how much I love my church - the music, the message, the spiritual strength I get from being there...to have that I also have to have all these other yucky feelings and so on many Sunday mornings I wake up and just can't deal with dealing with that, so I just roll over and go back to sleep and try to figure out what else to do with my day.
I want to find a new church, need a new place to worship where I want have to deal with all the junk from the past. I want a new scene, new friends, new opportunities to get involved in service work, experience new things that do not remind me of old memories and trigger crappy feelings. But on the other hand, in spite of those people I want to avoid, I also have some real friends there, friends who know the real me and love me and want me around....and there is some comfort in the familiarity of what's been my church home for the past 7 1/2 years, but maybe it's time for God to do a new thing in me and for some reason, I just cant do it at TCBH. I'm still praying for God to lead me where I should be, and I believe in time I'll get there.
Wow, long post. Thanks if you're still reading. I need to post more often, but like today, once I get started all this stuff just seems to spew out of my head and I wind up spending more time than I should here. It will be much better once I get my laptop, which hopefully I'll be able to get with bonus money that's supposed to be coming soon. I need one for school anyway, so it won't be splurging, it's a necessity :-)
So off to get some work done now. Have an awesome weekend!
Friday, November 13, 2009
"Good riddance" sucks
***WARNING----Explicit language - Possible triggers***
So, it's a long rant today but I gotta get it out.
Dh travels a lot for his job and has hotel rewards club memberships for a couple of different chains. I signed him up for these a while back so he could earn reward points. They emails come to me as that is what was set up as the contact email when I opened the account for him.
So today in my inbox is an email from dh's hotel rewards club asking for a "guest satisfaction survey on your recent hotel stay". Turns out he stayed at a local hotel Monday night (the night after I left him and moved back to my apt). This is a hotel in a somewhat seedy part of town. Turns out there's several "gentlemen's clubs" in the area. Knowing his history with SA, I can't help but believe he stayed at the hotel (instead of driving 20 more miles down the road to his house) because a) he was too drunk to drive home - though I doubt that because he drives drunk quite frequently; or b) he picked up some one at whatever bar he was at and took him/her/it to the hotel with him. He's stayed at local hotels before when we were separated, and I always had a sense that it was due to him picking someone up at a bar for a sexual encounter. Though every time I've asked him if he's had sex with anyone else while we were separated, he's always adamantly said "NO" but I just never could believe him 100%. My gut always felt like he was lying but I WANTED to believe he was innocent so I chose to do that.
So knowing all that I know about him, and how quickly he moves on to someone else as soon as I turn my back, it should be so easy to say "good riddance". But it still sucks that it has to be this way. I had such high hopes for us. I loved him so much, for so long, in spite of all his baggage and lies and cheating and all the crap he put me through, I still always wanted to believe in him and in us. I told myself that he's just a hurt little boy inside that needs and wants love and assurance and affection.
For the past seven years of my life, I've made excuses for him and justified his behavior toward me...he's just been hurt so badly, he's depressed, I hurt his feelings, or made him angry, so he goes out to bars and picks up other women because he's insecure and needs a self-esteem boost. It's not that he doesn't love me. If I would just treat him better, he wouldn't do these things. Crazy, crazy thinking, I know.
In my mind, I drew a line at what behavior I would not tolerate, that if this behavior occurred, I couldn't live with myself if I allowed that in my life. I could excuse the emotional shut outs, the coldness, the distance when he would be upset with me. I could excuse his going out to bars and "escaping" for a while. And at first my line in the sand was "if he ever cheats on me, i'm done with him."
That line was crossed a long time ago. I don't know that there was ever any physical infidelity, but there was definitely the porn addiction, strip clubs, bars, other women's phone numbers in his wallet and cell phone, phone calls to these women in the middle of the night when he was working out of town (I used to snoop in his things to get proof that he was doing these things) so there's no reason for me to believe that it never got physical. He never wore a wedding ring even though we talked often about how much that meant to me and that I needed him to wear one, an outward sign to others that he was committed to me. He wore a ring for less than 2 months after we were married, claimed he left it on the sink in a hotel room and never replaced it.
When I first left him back in May, we got back together after a couple of months. My first trip back to his house I found condoms in the nightstand drawer and women's panties that were not my size. Yet my brain somehow managed to believe that he wasn't having sex with someone else? I convinced myself that the panties were some he'd bought for some kind of weird fetish thing or whatever and the condom was there for future use, just in case. It didn't mean he was screwing someone else, right? When I would find the proof that he was doing all the things I swore I would not tolerate, my line would move a little further out. I would ignore the proof that was right before my eyes, and we just wouldn't talk about it. Oh we were separated when he did that stuff, or we were having problems. Didn't matter that we were still married and I should be able to expect my husband to behave in ways that reflected that, but if we were not "together" then it was just expected that all bets were off. And after all, he never hit me, or beat me. That was my next "line", I guess. If he EVER laid a hand on my physically, I was gone. I can't help but wonder if that had happened, what I'd do.
I tried to walk away from this man time and time again, because his actions never matched up to his words when it came to loving me, or treating me with respect or showing his loyalty and commitment to us and our relationship/ marriage. It seemed he could always "take me or leave me", and it was never him who pursued me.
It's always been me that's gone back, sought him out again and again. Of course he always welcomed me back, telling me how much he missed me, how much he loves me, how he wants me and our marriage. At that's what I've kept holding on to, year after year after year. I was reading Syd's blog this morning (sorry but I'm new at this blogging stuff and don't yet know how to link to a blog.) and something he wrote really hit home with me. He said:
"I listened over and over to what the alcoholics in my life told me--"I love you and won't do this again." "I am so sorry to have hurt you." "You do know that I love you." I listened to all these words and believed them. I believed them because that seemed to be so much easier than the alternative of reality."
Time after time I excused his actual behavior when he would say the words I wanted to hear. Time after time of his lies, his cheating, his coldness and defensiveness and crappy treatment of me, still I wanted to believe in him. When things were good with us, it's been the best of times and I felt safe and happy and loved. He was so much fun to be with when we were "on". I WANTED to believe his words of love to me, wanted to believe him when he talked about how special I was to him. But when he would get upset or angry or become distant, it would hurt me so bad. The first few years of the relationship, I used to spend days in the bed, depressed and crying and not wanting to go on, just because I couldn't imagine living my life without him in it.
Thank God I'm not at that point anymore. I've been through this enough times with him to know that it's just more of the same behavior that I've come to expect from him, and I'm not going to allow it to ruin my life. He's not worth it, he will never change, he will never love me the way I want and deserve to be loved and I know I will be just fine without him. I'm strong, I'm resilient, I have so many people that love and support me, and I have my faith in God that will get me through this to the other side, to freedom. I KNOW this in my HEAD....why can't my HEART get it?
What a fool I've been. So many wasted years. I have no choice but to cut the cord to this relationship once and for all, and somehow figure out what it is in me that allowed me to tolerate such emotional abuse from a man. Because that's what it's been. ABUSE. Abuse that I allowed. Abuse that my children and my friends have watched me tolerate over and over again. And the pain from that goes even deeper than broken bones and wounds and scars, because they never go away.
So, it's a long rant today but I gotta get it out.
Dh travels a lot for his job and has hotel rewards club memberships for a couple of different chains. I signed him up for these a while back so he could earn reward points. They emails come to me as that is what was set up as the contact email when I opened the account for him.
So today in my inbox is an email from dh's hotel rewards club asking for a "guest satisfaction survey on your recent hotel stay". Turns out he stayed at a local hotel Monday night (the night after I left him and moved back to my apt). This is a hotel in a somewhat seedy part of town. Turns out there's several "gentlemen's clubs" in the area. Knowing his history with SA, I can't help but believe he stayed at the hotel (instead of driving 20 more miles down the road to his house) because a) he was too drunk to drive home - though I doubt that because he drives drunk quite frequently; or b) he picked up some one at whatever bar he was at and took him/her/it to the hotel with him. He's stayed at local hotels before when we were separated, and I always had a sense that it was due to him picking someone up at a bar for a sexual encounter. Though every time I've asked him if he's had sex with anyone else while we were separated, he's always adamantly said "NO" but I just never could believe him 100%. My gut always felt like he was lying but I WANTED to believe he was innocent so I chose to do that.
So knowing all that I know about him, and how quickly he moves on to someone else as soon as I turn my back, it should be so easy to say "good riddance". But it still sucks that it has to be this way. I had such high hopes for us. I loved him so much, for so long, in spite of all his baggage and lies and cheating and all the crap he put me through, I still always wanted to believe in him and in us. I told myself that he's just a hurt little boy inside that needs and wants love and assurance and affection.
For the past seven years of my life, I've made excuses for him and justified his behavior toward me...he's just been hurt so badly, he's depressed, I hurt his feelings, or made him angry, so he goes out to bars and picks up other women because he's insecure and needs a self-esteem boost. It's not that he doesn't love me. If I would just treat him better, he wouldn't do these things. Crazy, crazy thinking, I know.
In my mind, I drew a line at what behavior I would not tolerate, that if this behavior occurred, I couldn't live with myself if I allowed that in my life. I could excuse the emotional shut outs, the coldness, the distance when he would be upset with me. I could excuse his going out to bars and "escaping" for a while. And at first my line in the sand was "if he ever cheats on me, i'm done with him."
That line was crossed a long time ago. I don't know that there was ever any physical infidelity, but there was definitely the porn addiction, strip clubs, bars, other women's phone numbers in his wallet and cell phone, phone calls to these women in the middle of the night when he was working out of town (I used to snoop in his things to get proof that he was doing these things) so there's no reason for me to believe that it never got physical. He never wore a wedding ring even though we talked often about how much that meant to me and that I needed him to wear one, an outward sign to others that he was committed to me. He wore a ring for less than 2 months after we were married, claimed he left it on the sink in a hotel room and never replaced it.
When I first left him back in May, we got back together after a couple of months. My first trip back to his house I found condoms in the nightstand drawer and women's panties that were not my size. Yet my brain somehow managed to believe that he wasn't having sex with someone else? I convinced myself that the panties were some he'd bought for some kind of weird fetish thing or whatever and the condom was there for future use, just in case. It didn't mean he was screwing someone else, right? When I would find the proof that he was doing all the things I swore I would not tolerate, my line would move a little further out. I would ignore the proof that was right before my eyes, and we just wouldn't talk about it. Oh we were separated when he did that stuff, or we were having problems. Didn't matter that we were still married and I should be able to expect my husband to behave in ways that reflected that, but if we were not "together" then it was just expected that all bets were off. And after all, he never hit me, or beat me. That was my next "line", I guess. If he EVER laid a hand on my physically, I was gone. I can't help but wonder if that had happened, what I'd do.
I tried to walk away from this man time and time again, because his actions never matched up to his words when it came to loving me, or treating me with respect or showing his loyalty and commitment to us and our relationship/ marriage. It seemed he could always "take me or leave me", and it was never him who pursued me.
It's always been me that's gone back, sought him out again and again. Of course he always welcomed me back, telling me how much he missed me, how much he loves me, how he wants me and our marriage. At that's what I've kept holding on to, year after year after year. I was reading Syd's blog this morning (sorry but I'm new at this blogging stuff and don't yet know how to link to a blog.) and something he wrote really hit home with me. He said:
"I listened over and over to what the alcoholics in my life told me--"I love you and won't do this again." "I am so sorry to have hurt you." "You do know that I love you." I listened to all these words and believed them. I believed them because that seemed to be so much easier than the alternative of reality."
Time after time I excused his actual behavior when he would say the words I wanted to hear. Time after time of his lies, his cheating, his coldness and defensiveness and crappy treatment of me, still I wanted to believe in him. When things were good with us, it's been the best of times and I felt safe and happy and loved. He was so much fun to be with when we were "on". I WANTED to believe his words of love to me, wanted to believe him when he talked about how special I was to him. But when he would get upset or angry or become distant, it would hurt me so bad. The first few years of the relationship, I used to spend days in the bed, depressed and crying and not wanting to go on, just because I couldn't imagine living my life without him in it.
Thank God I'm not at that point anymore. I've been through this enough times with him to know that it's just more of the same behavior that I've come to expect from him, and I'm not going to allow it to ruin my life. He's not worth it, he will never change, he will never love me the way I want and deserve to be loved and I know I will be just fine without him. I'm strong, I'm resilient, I have so many people that love and support me, and I have my faith in God that will get me through this to the other side, to freedom. I KNOW this in my HEAD....why can't my HEART get it?
What a fool I've been. So many wasted years. I have no choice but to cut the cord to this relationship once and for all, and somehow figure out what it is in me that allowed me to tolerate such emotional abuse from a man. Because that's what it's been. ABUSE. Abuse that I allowed. Abuse that my children and my friends have watched me tolerate over and over again. And the pain from that goes even deeper than broken bones and wounds and scars, because they never go away.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
sick and tired
I have a head cold I've been fighting all week, that's making me feel pretty crappy. My body feels run down, fat, bloated, unhealthy - and I'm doing nothing to change that. I've done nothing this week except go home from work, eat and eat and eat (and watch the scale creep up every morning) and watch TV until bed time, then get up the next morning and do it all again. I say that I'm at peace with my decision to move back to my apartment, knowing when I did that it would be the last time I left my husband. We'd already both agreed that this was our last shot at being together, and if it didn't work, that we wouldn't try again. So, that's that and I believe it is for the best and I believe that this is where I'm supposed to be right now...but I feel stuck. I don't feel like socializing with friends, I don't feel like doing anything with anyone except just being alone with my thoughts and trying not to think or feel anything too deeply.
Maybe that's what I need right now, at least for a while longer. Maybe this is my mind's way of healing and recuperating, or maybe it's my way of just not dealing with my stuff. I don't know.
I keep telling myself I should go to some meetings. I always felt better after going to meetings when I was in recovery. But I don't know that I have the desire to stop drinking, so I feel like I don't belong there either. I am not convinced that I am an alcoholic. If I am, I most definitely have not hit "my bottom" yet and if this is as bad as it gets, it's not really all that bad.
What I really want is to work the steps, and get to the bottom of why I make the choices I do in relationships with men and to deal with the junk from my past, my low self-worth, my financial irresponsib ility, my over-eating, etc. There are many things I could use "recovery" from, but I'm not ready to say I will never have another beer or glass of wine, and maybe my refusal to want that is a sign that I am an alcoholic but I'm just not ready to believe that yet and it's where I'm at right now.
Maybe I should go to the Adult Child of Alcoholics group, or a Codepency group. There's a Celebrate Recovery group on Friday nights that I've been thinking of going to, it just seems that something always comes up on Friday nights and by the time I get off work on Friday, I lose the desire to go.
And then when I find my mind racing with all these thoughts and I'm feeling the uncertainty about where to go, what to do, what needs to change for my life to move forward....then I just get tired and try not to think so much.
I'm trying to get all the stuff together to start back to school in January and I'm really excited about doing that, but I still don't know what the hell I want to major in. Part of me wants to do nursing, because I think it would be interesting, there's a high demand in that field and the pay is good, but it's also VERY difficult to get accepted into the Nursing Program, and I can't help but wonder if I have what it takes to do that. I mean I was pretty smart in high school, gifted actually. But there's been a lot of alcohol, drugs and life that has happened since then and my brain's not what it used to be. I'm still pretty smart though, I think and I still learn new tasks quickly and easily so if I try real hard and stick with it, I believe I can do this.
Another part of me wants to just get a Business Degree which would enhance my current skills, the company I work for would possibly pay for part of it (very SMALL possibility) and I think it would be awesome to run my own business someday, whenever I figure out what the heck that would be. Maybe a lodge in the mountains, or a home for abused / neglected teens. So many possibilities and I'm so unsure of what direction to go in.
The Nursing field would be a totally different career path than the clerical / administrative jobs I've held for the past 25 years, but I could use that anywhere, go anywhere in the world with that. Maybe even could use it on the mission field....but then I tell myself I could also use the skills I currently have that way too. So as usual, I'm uncertain about what would be best for me. So I pray for guidance and I tell myself to be patient taht I don't have to make a decision on this today. I can just take something that I can use in whichever field I end up pursuing and that things will be made clear in time.
Maybe that's what I need right now, at least for a while longer. Maybe this is my mind's way of healing and recuperating, or maybe it's my way of just not dealing with my stuff. I don't know.
I keep telling myself I should go to some meetings. I always felt better after going to meetings when I was in recovery. But I don't know that I have the desire to stop drinking, so I feel like I don't belong there either. I am not convinced that I am an alcoholic. If I am, I most definitely have not hit "my bottom" yet and if this is as bad as it gets, it's not really all that bad.
What I really want is to work the steps, and get to the bottom of why I make the choices I do in relationships with men and to deal with the junk from my past, my low self-worth, my financial irresponsib ility, my over-eating, etc. There are many things I could use "recovery" from, but I'm not ready to say I will never have another beer or glass of wine, and maybe my refusal to want that is a sign that I am an alcoholic but I'm just not ready to believe that yet and it's where I'm at right now.
Maybe I should go to the Adult Child of Alcoholics group, or a Codepency group. There's a Celebrate Recovery group on Friday nights that I've been thinking of going to, it just seems that something always comes up on Friday nights and by the time I get off work on Friday, I lose the desire to go.
And then when I find my mind racing with all these thoughts and I'm feeling the uncertainty about where to go, what to do, what needs to change for my life to move forward....then I just get tired and try not to think so much.
I'm trying to get all the stuff together to start back to school in January and I'm really excited about doing that, but I still don't know what the hell I want to major in. Part of me wants to do nursing, because I think it would be interesting, there's a high demand in that field and the pay is good, but it's also VERY difficult to get accepted into the Nursing Program, and I can't help but wonder if I have what it takes to do that. I mean I was pretty smart in high school, gifted actually. But there's been a lot of alcohol, drugs and life that has happened since then and my brain's not what it used to be. I'm still pretty smart though, I think and I still learn new tasks quickly and easily so if I try real hard and stick with it, I believe I can do this.
Another part of me wants to just get a Business Degree which would enhance my current skills, the company I work for would possibly pay for part of it (very SMALL possibility) and I think it would be awesome to run my own business someday, whenever I figure out what the heck that would be. Maybe a lodge in the mountains, or a home for abused / neglected teens. So many possibilities and I'm so unsure of what direction to go in.
The Nursing field would be a totally different career path than the clerical / administrative jobs I've held for the past 25 years, but I could use that anywhere, go anywhere in the world with that. Maybe even could use it on the mission field....but then I tell myself I could also use the skills I currently have that way too. So as usual, I'm uncertain about what would be best for me. So I pray for guidance and I tell myself to be patient taht I don't have to make a decision on this today. I can just take something that I can use in whichever field I end up pursuing and that things will be made clear in time.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Beginning again
So much for trying again and giving us "one last chance". So much for committing to a month at least until I made a decision to stay or move out again, it only lasted 2 weeks. I moved back to M's house 2 weeks ago, and I've already moved back to my apartment. I guess I knew when I moved my clothes and stuff back there that nothing had changed really, and that it would end up being the same scenario as usual, but oh how I'd hoped and prayed that it would be different this time. I don't want to be single again, don't want another failed marriage, I just want the man I love to be honest, faithful, committed to us. But this man that I love? Less than 2 weeks into us "trying again" and giving it one last shot, he chose to get angry and sullen and sulky and distant and cold because I asked him for gas money to get to work and back. He gave me $40 Friday morning and seemed like he was ok with doing that. After all, I have been driving an extra 400 miles per week to work and back because I moved back where he wanted me to be, out in the boonies, away from my friends and church and work. It didn't matter that I had to spend an extra 2 hours a day in the car for my commute to work, as long as I came home to him at his house because he'd made it clear that he didn't even want to try again unless I lived there with him.
And I still had all the same expenses from living in the apartment because my lease is not up until the end of the year, and I still have rent, utilities, etc to pay on top of gas for an additional 400 miles a week. So asking for help for gas money didn't seem like it was unreasonable. But apparently he did. He didn't show up for the church event Friday night, was distant and cold all day Saturday, wouldn't go to church with me Sunday - and once I again I didn't even know what he was upset about, I just knew from experience that in his eyes I'd done something wrong, and he was punishing me for it with the emotional distance. This is the same man who came home from working out of town this week (Wednesday night) telling me how much he'd missed me in the 2 days he'd been gone and how happy he was to see me, had cooked dinner for me two nights in a row and given me love, affection and attention like he was head over heels in love with me.
THEN this is how he treats me all weekend because I asked for help with gas money??? And we couldn't even make it two weeks in the same house without something like this going on? I gave up. I came home from church Sunday, he barely spoke to me and went outside to work in the yard. I saw his car leave and he didn't even come inside to tell me he was leaving or where he was going or even ask if I wanted to go with him. So I decided that I was done, I quit, I give up. I went and repacked all the clothes, shoes and toiletries I'd brought with me when I moved back in and I put them in my car and I went back to my apartment. And I didn't even wait to tell him I was leaving. Part of me thinks this was a cowardly way to leave, but another part of me knows if I'd talked to him, I would have doubted my decision and whatever he said would end up making me feel foolish and immature and selfish, and I would have stayed. But after only 2 weeks in, I was already feeling unhappy and resentful of how much I was giving compared to how little I was getting back in the relationship. And I just don't believe love and marriage is supposed to be like that.
So I left my wedding rings on his dresser and got my things and left. And of course, here it is 3 days later and I haven't heard a word from him. I don't expect to either. In the past 7 years, he's never once pursued me or come after me any time that I've ever left. It's always been me seeking him out, going back to him, trying to make it work again.
Strangely I'm pretty much at peace with my decision to go back to my apartment and I hope this time it sticks and that I don't go back to him. I'm sad and disappointed and hurt that he still doesn't seem to be the man I've believed him to be, wanted him to be. But it's not his fault that I've been foolish when it comes to believing in something that is not reality. And I'm sad that if I ever decide to get involved with someone else again, it's going to be really difficult to start over and talk about my past and how I got to where I am today, and all the shame and guilt that goes along with all that.
I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I tried so hard to make this work in large part because I just can't even think about trying again with someone else, but that would mean the rest of my life with no one to snuggle with at night, or wake up to in the mornings or someone to be a partner with me when I get so tired of doing it all on my own. I dont want to have to think about getting in another relationship with a man and have to tell them "I've been married and divorced 5 times". What man would want a woman like that? It doesn't matter that the first time was at 15 yrs old, and who knows what it takes to make a marriage work at 15? I certainly didn't.
It doesn't matter that I've spent the past 30 years looking for unconditional love from a man, my knight in shining armor, that one person in the world who would "get" me and who would love me and cherish me and honor me and be committed and faithful and all that other stuff that goes along with marriage. It doesn't matter that all those times I thought I'd finally found him, it was through a haze of codepency and from a perspective of not having a clue how to love someone or how to let them love me. It doesn't matter that I never seemed to learn from my mistakes and that I chose the same man over and over five different times and kept trying to make it work by doing the same things over and over - yes, the very definition of insanity.
And I don't want to do that again. I know myself well enough to know that there WILL be someone else some day. But it doesn't need to be for a long time. I need to find peace and serenity within myself, in being on my own, and I need to figure out what makes me make the choices I do in men, I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to do the opposite of whatever it is I have done in the past, because obviously my judgement is screwed when it comes to men, and I need lots of time to figure out how to fix the broken places in me, time to heal and grow and love me again. So here I am again on my own, traveling down the only road I've ever known....starting over once more.
I've been here so many times, and what I think is different this time, is that there is no fear in it. There's no gut wrenching agony or tears or anger or depression. There is just acceptance that this is where I find myself now and I'm going to make the most of it in the days to come.
I have friends and family who love me and are always there for me, I have a great job, a cute affordable apartment, a nice dependable car to drive, a faith in God that is strong, and I trust that HE knows what He's doing here, and in time, I'll look back and see that this all had a purpose in the grand Plan of my life.
My future that is wide open and that is an exciting thought. I have so much to be thankful for - and I'm excited about starting back to school in a few months and learning new things and meeting new people and changing careers (whenever I figure out what it is I want to be when I finally grow up!) and in a lot of ways I'm happy and ready to face whatever comes. So let's roll!
And I still had all the same expenses from living in the apartment because my lease is not up until the end of the year, and I still have rent, utilities, etc to pay on top of gas for an additional 400 miles a week. So asking for help for gas money didn't seem like it was unreasonable. But apparently he did. He didn't show up for the church event Friday night, was distant and cold all day Saturday, wouldn't go to church with me Sunday - and once I again I didn't even know what he was upset about, I just knew from experience that in his eyes I'd done something wrong, and he was punishing me for it with the emotional distance. This is the same man who came home from working out of town this week (Wednesday night) telling me how much he'd missed me in the 2 days he'd been gone and how happy he was to see me, had cooked dinner for me two nights in a row and given me love, affection and attention like he was head over heels in love with me.
THEN this is how he treats me all weekend because I asked for help with gas money??? And we couldn't even make it two weeks in the same house without something like this going on? I gave up. I came home from church Sunday, he barely spoke to me and went outside to work in the yard. I saw his car leave and he didn't even come inside to tell me he was leaving or where he was going or even ask if I wanted to go with him. So I decided that I was done, I quit, I give up. I went and repacked all the clothes, shoes and toiletries I'd brought with me when I moved back in and I put them in my car and I went back to my apartment. And I didn't even wait to tell him I was leaving. Part of me thinks this was a cowardly way to leave, but another part of me knows if I'd talked to him, I would have doubted my decision and whatever he said would end up making me feel foolish and immature and selfish, and I would have stayed. But after only 2 weeks in, I was already feeling unhappy and resentful of how much I was giving compared to how little I was getting back in the relationship. And I just don't believe love and marriage is supposed to be like that.
So I left my wedding rings on his dresser and got my things and left. And of course, here it is 3 days later and I haven't heard a word from him. I don't expect to either. In the past 7 years, he's never once pursued me or come after me any time that I've ever left. It's always been me seeking him out, going back to him, trying to make it work again.
Strangely I'm pretty much at peace with my decision to go back to my apartment and I hope this time it sticks and that I don't go back to him. I'm sad and disappointed and hurt that he still doesn't seem to be the man I've believed him to be, wanted him to be. But it's not his fault that I've been foolish when it comes to believing in something that is not reality. And I'm sad that if I ever decide to get involved with someone else again, it's going to be really difficult to start over and talk about my past and how I got to where I am today, and all the shame and guilt that goes along with all that.
I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I tried so hard to make this work in large part because I just can't even think about trying again with someone else, but that would mean the rest of my life with no one to snuggle with at night, or wake up to in the mornings or someone to be a partner with me when I get so tired of doing it all on my own. I dont want to have to think about getting in another relationship with a man and have to tell them "I've been married and divorced 5 times". What man would want a woman like that? It doesn't matter that the first time was at 15 yrs old, and who knows what it takes to make a marriage work at 15? I certainly didn't.
It doesn't matter that I've spent the past 30 years looking for unconditional love from a man, my knight in shining armor, that one person in the world who would "get" me and who would love me and cherish me and honor me and be committed and faithful and all that other stuff that goes along with marriage. It doesn't matter that all those times I thought I'd finally found him, it was through a haze of codepency and from a perspective of not having a clue how to love someone or how to let them love me. It doesn't matter that I never seemed to learn from my mistakes and that I chose the same man over and over five different times and kept trying to make it work by doing the same things over and over - yes, the very definition of insanity.
And I don't want to do that again. I know myself well enough to know that there WILL be someone else some day. But it doesn't need to be for a long time. I need to find peace and serenity within myself, in being on my own, and I need to figure out what makes me make the choices I do in men, I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to do the opposite of whatever it is I have done in the past, because obviously my judgement is screwed when it comes to men, and I need lots of time to figure out how to fix the broken places in me, time to heal and grow and love me again. So here I am again on my own, traveling down the only road I've ever known....starting over once more.
I've been here so many times, and what I think is different this time, is that there is no fear in it. There's no gut wrenching agony or tears or anger or depression. There is just acceptance that this is where I find myself now and I'm going to make the most of it in the days to come.
I have friends and family who love me and are always there for me, I have a great job, a cute affordable apartment, a nice dependable car to drive, a faith in God that is strong, and I trust that HE knows what He's doing here, and in time, I'll look back and see that this all had a purpose in the grand Plan of my life.
My future that is wide open and that is an exciting thought. I have so much to be thankful for - and I'm excited about starting back to school in a few months and learning new things and meeting new people and changing careers (whenever I figure out what it is I want to be when I finally grow up!) and in a lot of ways I'm happy and ready to face whatever comes. So let's roll!
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