Should I:
- go to Celebrate Recovery tonight? The one I've been thinking about for weeks now, but have yet to make it to? It's on the other side of town from where I live, and would be a long drive home but it's supposedly a big meeting (100+ people) and many small groups to choose from, and I NEED to get back into some kind of recovery program, so that I can MOVE FORWARD with my life, instead of feeling this awkward sense of limbo that I've been dealing with the past few weeks
----but, it's a LONG meeting - large group at 7, small group at 8, "fellowship" afterward from 9 until "whenever". That's the part I get so frustrated with myself because I can make myself somewhat invisible during large group, just listen and not participate too much in small group, so I don't draw attention to myself. But who do I talk to, what do I talk about, after the groups? In the "fellowship" part of the event. I don't do well with the social small talk, especially with people I've never met before, and no matter what meeting I attend, I tend to rush out as soon as it's over, and don't much participate in the "meeting after the meeting", which is when the connections are made with others, which is what I yearn for, the relationship with people that I can be real with, no masks, no pretenses, acceptance. But it's also what I tend to avoid. Crazy, huh?
Also, N came home last night, long enough to drop her things and her bf's dog at my apt and leave again (at 10:30 pm) to go out to friends house. I'm not sure what time she got back home but she was sleeping on the couch when I got up this morning and I woke her up and got her to get in my bed. Can't wait till we get the 2 BR so she'll have her own space when she comes home.
I was worried about her driving out alone that late at night, and as usual got all worried about her, and instead of "giving it to God" like I've been trying to make it a point to do, instead I took a nerve pill knowing i needed to sleep so I could get up early for work. So I must have got into a really deep sleep because I woke up at 11:45 after what seemed like a full night of horrible nightmares - not just one but several different ones, all within the span of like one hour. I still remember the gist of them today, which is unusual for me because I generally don't remember my dreams or nightmares. Suffice it to say, it freaked me out enough that I sat up in bed, turned on the light, went to the kitchen and got water (and candy of course - I needed comfort!) and then I smoked a cigarette before allowing myself to fall back to sleep. Had to clear the cobwebs out of my head to realize what was real and what was not, so I could feel comfortable going back to sleep.
Another choice for tonight:
- go to the CODA meeting here in town. I've never been to it before, but I've been considering getting involved in a codepency 12 step program. It would only be for one hour and then I'd have the rest of my night free - ummm to do what? Go home and spend maybe an hour or so with my daughter (while she's getting ready to go out with her friends for the night), and then be alone for the rest of the night? Sitting on the couch, watching TV, flipping from one channel to the other during commercials, smoking cigarrettes and being lonely, like I've done EVERY FREAKIN NIGHT for the past two weeks. I have no money to go out, go to a movie, meet friends for dinner, so that's exactly what it would be, another night home alone. That doesn't sound too appealing to me.
What I miss most about attending AA/NA meetings is that there was always some place to GO. I never minded not having any plans because I could always catch a meeting, and even if I didn't talk to a single person, I was "in the midst" of other adults, people I could identify with, and I almost always got some nugget of wisdom from something someone said that made me feel better about where I was that day. The more recovery blogs I read about other women around my age who are living the sober life and finding it fulfilling and fun, well it kinda makes me want that too.
The problem there is, I'm not convinced I'm an alcoholic (for many reasons). The fact that I don't want to stop drinking and that I'm fighting so hard against doing that SHOULD probably be enough to convince me, but it's not. It's not an "unmanageable" part of my life, and only seems to be a "symptom" of all the other junk that is buried down deep, and fact is, I enjoy drinking occasionally and moderately. It's not an everyday part of my life, and hasn't caused me any major problems, other than the occasional hangover from hell, but that's because the older I get, the less my body can handle even small amounts of alcohol (maybe another reason not to do it? duh). If you're reading this, I'm sure you can probably spot the denial in my words and thoughts, but hey, honestly, I just don't want to stop drinking right now anymore than I want to stop smoking, or watching TV or reading or any of the other things in my life that I enjoy that I tend to use to "escape" at times.
I know I'm horribly codependent, have absurdly low self-esteem, I tend to isolate, don't feel comfortable in my own skin a large part of the time, I suck at romantic relationships because of the men I tend to be drawn to that can never be and will never be who I want and need them to be....and a long list of other "issues", but I really don't believe at my core that alcohol is the root of the problem. Maybe I'm just in denial and haven't hit my bottom yet. I don't know, but I don't think so.
Which is why I'm looking for CODA meetings or ACOA meetings or Celebrate Recovery. Some place I can get a sponsor, work the steps and learn to change the old stinking thinking patterns and get out of my own head long enough to actually enjoy living this beautiful life I've been blessed with.
Other choices for this weekend that have to be made:
--go the game tomorrow with girlfriend or not. One of the guys at work gave me free tickets, but my team (#2 in the nation) is playing a team that is not even ranked (it's more like a "practice game") and the game is at 11:00 a.m., and over an hour's drive, which means we'd need to leave by around 9 a.m. which means no lazy Saturday morning for me...AND the friend I'm considering going with has to be back early to be in a wedding so we may end up having to leave the game early. On top of that, I have very little money to spend, so I won't be able to afford the $4 cokes and water at the game. It's supposed to be cool and rainy so also not a very fun way to spend 3 hours or more sitting on a cold concrete bench in the stadium. BUT ---- It's MY TEAM and I love going to the games just to be there and soak in the atmosphere and I need to prove to myself that I can go out and do something fun and I need to be around people because for God's sakes I've had very little face to face adult interaction PERIOD (other than people from work) in the past 2 weeks and I NEED to do something fun to get out of my own head for a while.
--church on Sunday - should I go to TCBH, or not? I love my church but there's always the chance of running into M there. He RARELY goes, but if he does, that's where he goes and I'm totally not strong enough to deal with seeing him face to face any time soon.
And on top of that, it just bugs the shit out of me to be around all those people that know me and M as a "couple" and there's always someone asking me "how is M?" and it's just so awkward to say "we're not together" and all the pitying looks that I get once that leaves my mouth, because of course everyone thinks he is such an awesome guy and a great catch, that they can't imagine that it's anything HE"S done to cause the breakup, so it must be something wrong with me, right? Something lacking in me that I wasn't able to "hold on to my man". It feels awkward and uncomfortable and more than that it makes me mad as HELL, that it's come to this, that he's not there with me like he should be. We should be a couple, we should be living life together, it should never have turned out like this and it hurts and I'm frustrated and angry with him...and I say all that to say this, that no matter how much I love my church - the music, the message, the spiritual strength I get from being there...to have that I also have to have all these other yucky feelings and so on many Sunday mornings I wake up and just can't deal with dealing with that, so I just roll over and go back to sleep and try to figure out what else to do with my day.
I want to find a new church, need a new place to worship where I want have to deal with all the junk from the past. I want a new scene, new friends, new opportunities to get involved in service work, experience new things that do not remind me of old memories and trigger crappy feelings. But on the other hand, in spite of those people I want to avoid, I also have some real friends there, friends who know the real me and love me and want me around....and there is some comfort in the familiarity of what's been my church home for the past 7 1/2 years, but maybe it's time for God to do a new thing in me and for some reason, I just cant do it at TCBH. I'm still praying for God to lead me where I should be, and I believe in time I'll get there.
Wow, long post. Thanks if you're still reading. I need to post more often, but like today, once I get started all this stuff just seems to spew out of my head and I wind up spending more time than I should here. It will be much better once I get my laptop, which hopefully I'll be able to get with bonus money that's supposed to be coming soon. I need one for school anyway, so it won't be splurging, it's a necessity :-)
So off to get some work done now. Have an awesome weekend!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
"Good riddance" sucks
***WARNING----Explicit language - Possible triggers***
So, it's a long rant today but I gotta get it out.
Dh travels a lot for his job and has hotel rewards club memberships for a couple of different chains. I signed him up for these a while back so he could earn reward points. They emails come to me as that is what was set up as the contact email when I opened the account for him.
So today in my inbox is an email from dh's hotel rewards club asking for a "guest satisfaction survey on your recent hotel stay". Turns out he stayed at a local hotel Monday night (the night after I left him and moved back to my apt). This is a hotel in a somewhat seedy part of town. Turns out there's several "gentlemen's clubs" in the area. Knowing his history with SA, I can't help but believe he stayed at the hotel (instead of driving 20 more miles down the road to his house) because a) he was too drunk to drive home - though I doubt that because he drives drunk quite frequently; or b) he picked up some one at whatever bar he was at and took him/her/it to the hotel with him. He's stayed at local hotels before when we were separated, and I always had a sense that it was due to him picking someone up at a bar for a sexual encounter. Though every time I've asked him if he's had sex with anyone else while we were separated, he's always adamantly said "NO" but I just never could believe him 100%. My gut always felt like he was lying but I WANTED to believe he was innocent so I chose to do that.
So knowing all that I know about him, and how quickly he moves on to someone else as soon as I turn my back, it should be so easy to say "good riddance". But it still sucks that it has to be this way. I had such high hopes for us. I loved him so much, for so long, in spite of all his baggage and lies and cheating and all the crap he put me through, I still always wanted to believe in him and in us. I told myself that he's just a hurt little boy inside that needs and wants love and assurance and affection.
For the past seven years of my life, I've made excuses for him and justified his behavior toward me...he's just been hurt so badly, he's depressed, I hurt his feelings, or made him angry, so he goes out to bars and picks up other women because he's insecure and needs a self-esteem boost. It's not that he doesn't love me. If I would just treat him better, he wouldn't do these things. Crazy, crazy thinking, I know.
In my mind, I drew a line at what behavior I would not tolerate, that if this behavior occurred, I couldn't live with myself if I allowed that in my life. I could excuse the emotional shut outs, the coldness, the distance when he would be upset with me. I could excuse his going out to bars and "escaping" for a while. And at first my line in the sand was "if he ever cheats on me, i'm done with him."
That line was crossed a long time ago. I don't know that there was ever any physical infidelity, but there was definitely the porn addiction, strip clubs, bars, other women's phone numbers in his wallet and cell phone, phone calls to these women in the middle of the night when he was working out of town (I used to snoop in his things to get proof that he was doing these things) so there's no reason for me to believe that it never got physical. He never wore a wedding ring even though we talked often about how much that meant to me and that I needed him to wear one, an outward sign to others that he was committed to me. He wore a ring for less than 2 months after we were married, claimed he left it on the sink in a hotel room and never replaced it.
When I first left him back in May, we got back together after a couple of months. My first trip back to his house I found condoms in the nightstand drawer and women's panties that were not my size. Yet my brain somehow managed to believe that he wasn't having sex with someone else? I convinced myself that the panties were some he'd bought for some kind of weird fetish thing or whatever and the condom was there for future use, just in case. It didn't mean he was screwing someone else, right? When I would find the proof that he was doing all the things I swore I would not tolerate, my line would move a little further out. I would ignore the proof that was right before my eyes, and we just wouldn't talk about it. Oh we were separated when he did that stuff, or we were having problems. Didn't matter that we were still married and I should be able to expect my husband to behave in ways that reflected that, but if we were not "together" then it was just expected that all bets were off. And after all, he never hit me, or beat me. That was my next "line", I guess. If he EVER laid a hand on my physically, I was gone. I can't help but wonder if that had happened, what I'd do.
I tried to walk away from this man time and time again, because his actions never matched up to his words when it came to loving me, or treating me with respect or showing his loyalty and commitment to us and our relationship/ marriage. It seemed he could always "take me or leave me", and it was never him who pursued me.
It's always been me that's gone back, sought him out again and again. Of course he always welcomed me back, telling me how much he missed me, how much he loves me, how he wants me and our marriage. At that's what I've kept holding on to, year after year after year. I was reading Syd's blog this morning (sorry but I'm new at this blogging stuff and don't yet know how to link to a blog.) and something he wrote really hit home with me. He said:
"I listened over and over to what the alcoholics in my life told me--"I love you and won't do this again." "I am so sorry to have hurt you." "You do know that I love you." I listened to all these words and believed them. I believed them because that seemed to be so much easier than the alternative of reality."
Time after time I excused his actual behavior when he would say the words I wanted to hear. Time after time of his lies, his cheating, his coldness and defensiveness and crappy treatment of me, still I wanted to believe in him. When things were good with us, it's been the best of times and I felt safe and happy and loved. He was so much fun to be with when we were "on". I WANTED to believe his words of love to me, wanted to believe him when he talked about how special I was to him. But when he would get upset or angry or become distant, it would hurt me so bad. The first few years of the relationship, I used to spend days in the bed, depressed and crying and not wanting to go on, just because I couldn't imagine living my life without him in it.
Thank God I'm not at that point anymore. I've been through this enough times with him to know that it's just more of the same behavior that I've come to expect from him, and I'm not going to allow it to ruin my life. He's not worth it, he will never change, he will never love me the way I want and deserve to be loved and I know I will be just fine without him. I'm strong, I'm resilient, I have so many people that love and support me, and I have my faith in God that will get me through this to the other side, to freedom. I KNOW this in my HEAD....why can't my HEART get it?
What a fool I've been. So many wasted years. I have no choice but to cut the cord to this relationship once and for all, and somehow figure out what it is in me that allowed me to tolerate such emotional abuse from a man. Because that's what it's been. ABUSE. Abuse that I allowed. Abuse that my children and my friends have watched me tolerate over and over again. And the pain from that goes even deeper than broken bones and wounds and scars, because they never go away.
So, it's a long rant today but I gotta get it out.
Dh travels a lot for his job and has hotel rewards club memberships for a couple of different chains. I signed him up for these a while back so he could earn reward points. They emails come to me as that is what was set up as the contact email when I opened the account for him.
So today in my inbox is an email from dh's hotel rewards club asking for a "guest satisfaction survey on your recent hotel stay". Turns out he stayed at a local hotel Monday night (the night after I left him and moved back to my apt). This is a hotel in a somewhat seedy part of town. Turns out there's several "gentlemen's clubs" in the area. Knowing his history with SA, I can't help but believe he stayed at the hotel (instead of driving 20 more miles down the road to his house) because a) he was too drunk to drive home - though I doubt that because he drives drunk quite frequently; or b) he picked up some one at whatever bar he was at and took him/her/it to the hotel with him. He's stayed at local hotels before when we were separated, and I always had a sense that it was due to him picking someone up at a bar for a sexual encounter. Though every time I've asked him if he's had sex with anyone else while we were separated, he's always adamantly said "NO" but I just never could believe him 100%. My gut always felt like he was lying but I WANTED to believe he was innocent so I chose to do that.
So knowing all that I know about him, and how quickly he moves on to someone else as soon as I turn my back, it should be so easy to say "good riddance". But it still sucks that it has to be this way. I had such high hopes for us. I loved him so much, for so long, in spite of all his baggage and lies and cheating and all the crap he put me through, I still always wanted to believe in him and in us. I told myself that he's just a hurt little boy inside that needs and wants love and assurance and affection.
For the past seven years of my life, I've made excuses for him and justified his behavior toward me...he's just been hurt so badly, he's depressed, I hurt his feelings, or made him angry, so he goes out to bars and picks up other women because he's insecure and needs a self-esteem boost. It's not that he doesn't love me. If I would just treat him better, he wouldn't do these things. Crazy, crazy thinking, I know.
In my mind, I drew a line at what behavior I would not tolerate, that if this behavior occurred, I couldn't live with myself if I allowed that in my life. I could excuse the emotional shut outs, the coldness, the distance when he would be upset with me. I could excuse his going out to bars and "escaping" for a while. And at first my line in the sand was "if he ever cheats on me, i'm done with him."
That line was crossed a long time ago. I don't know that there was ever any physical infidelity, but there was definitely the porn addiction, strip clubs, bars, other women's phone numbers in his wallet and cell phone, phone calls to these women in the middle of the night when he was working out of town (I used to snoop in his things to get proof that he was doing these things) so there's no reason for me to believe that it never got physical. He never wore a wedding ring even though we talked often about how much that meant to me and that I needed him to wear one, an outward sign to others that he was committed to me. He wore a ring for less than 2 months after we were married, claimed he left it on the sink in a hotel room and never replaced it.
When I first left him back in May, we got back together after a couple of months. My first trip back to his house I found condoms in the nightstand drawer and women's panties that were not my size. Yet my brain somehow managed to believe that he wasn't having sex with someone else? I convinced myself that the panties were some he'd bought for some kind of weird fetish thing or whatever and the condom was there for future use, just in case. It didn't mean he was screwing someone else, right? When I would find the proof that he was doing all the things I swore I would not tolerate, my line would move a little further out. I would ignore the proof that was right before my eyes, and we just wouldn't talk about it. Oh we were separated when he did that stuff, or we were having problems. Didn't matter that we were still married and I should be able to expect my husband to behave in ways that reflected that, but if we were not "together" then it was just expected that all bets were off. And after all, he never hit me, or beat me. That was my next "line", I guess. If he EVER laid a hand on my physically, I was gone. I can't help but wonder if that had happened, what I'd do.
I tried to walk away from this man time and time again, because his actions never matched up to his words when it came to loving me, or treating me with respect or showing his loyalty and commitment to us and our relationship/ marriage. It seemed he could always "take me or leave me", and it was never him who pursued me.
It's always been me that's gone back, sought him out again and again. Of course he always welcomed me back, telling me how much he missed me, how much he loves me, how he wants me and our marriage. At that's what I've kept holding on to, year after year after year. I was reading Syd's blog this morning (sorry but I'm new at this blogging stuff and don't yet know how to link to a blog.) and something he wrote really hit home with me. He said:
"I listened over and over to what the alcoholics in my life told me--"I love you and won't do this again." "I am so sorry to have hurt you." "You do know that I love you." I listened to all these words and believed them. I believed them because that seemed to be so much easier than the alternative of reality."
Time after time I excused his actual behavior when he would say the words I wanted to hear. Time after time of his lies, his cheating, his coldness and defensiveness and crappy treatment of me, still I wanted to believe in him. When things were good with us, it's been the best of times and I felt safe and happy and loved. He was so much fun to be with when we were "on". I WANTED to believe his words of love to me, wanted to believe him when he talked about how special I was to him. But when he would get upset or angry or become distant, it would hurt me so bad. The first few years of the relationship, I used to spend days in the bed, depressed and crying and not wanting to go on, just because I couldn't imagine living my life without him in it.
Thank God I'm not at that point anymore. I've been through this enough times with him to know that it's just more of the same behavior that I've come to expect from him, and I'm not going to allow it to ruin my life. He's not worth it, he will never change, he will never love me the way I want and deserve to be loved and I know I will be just fine without him. I'm strong, I'm resilient, I have so many people that love and support me, and I have my faith in God that will get me through this to the other side, to freedom. I KNOW this in my HEAD....why can't my HEART get it?
What a fool I've been. So many wasted years. I have no choice but to cut the cord to this relationship once and for all, and somehow figure out what it is in me that allowed me to tolerate such emotional abuse from a man. Because that's what it's been. ABUSE. Abuse that I allowed. Abuse that my children and my friends have watched me tolerate over and over again. And the pain from that goes even deeper than broken bones and wounds and scars, because they never go away.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
sick and tired
I have a head cold I've been fighting all week, that's making me feel pretty crappy. My body feels run down, fat, bloated, unhealthy - and I'm doing nothing to change that. I've done nothing this week except go home from work, eat and eat and eat (and watch the scale creep up every morning) and watch TV until bed time, then get up the next morning and do it all again. I say that I'm at peace with my decision to move back to my apartment, knowing when I did that it would be the last time I left my husband. We'd already both agreed that this was our last shot at being together, and if it didn't work, that we wouldn't try again. So, that's that and I believe it is for the best and I believe that this is where I'm supposed to be right now...but I feel stuck. I don't feel like socializing with friends, I don't feel like doing anything with anyone except just being alone with my thoughts and trying not to think or feel anything too deeply.
Maybe that's what I need right now, at least for a while longer. Maybe this is my mind's way of healing and recuperating, or maybe it's my way of just not dealing with my stuff. I don't know.
I keep telling myself I should go to some meetings. I always felt better after going to meetings when I was in recovery. But I don't know that I have the desire to stop drinking, so I feel like I don't belong there either. I am not convinced that I am an alcoholic. If I am, I most definitely have not hit "my bottom" yet and if this is as bad as it gets, it's not really all that bad.
What I really want is to work the steps, and get to the bottom of why I make the choices I do in relationships with men and to deal with the junk from my past, my low self-worth, my financial irresponsib ility, my over-eating, etc. There are many things I could use "recovery" from, but I'm not ready to say I will never have another beer or glass of wine, and maybe my refusal to want that is a sign that I am an alcoholic but I'm just not ready to believe that yet and it's where I'm at right now.
Maybe I should go to the Adult Child of Alcoholics group, or a Codepency group. There's a Celebrate Recovery group on Friday nights that I've been thinking of going to, it just seems that something always comes up on Friday nights and by the time I get off work on Friday, I lose the desire to go.
And then when I find my mind racing with all these thoughts and I'm feeling the uncertainty about where to go, what to do, what needs to change for my life to move forward....then I just get tired and try not to think so much.
I'm trying to get all the stuff together to start back to school in January and I'm really excited about doing that, but I still don't know what the hell I want to major in. Part of me wants to do nursing, because I think it would be interesting, there's a high demand in that field and the pay is good, but it's also VERY difficult to get accepted into the Nursing Program, and I can't help but wonder if I have what it takes to do that. I mean I was pretty smart in high school, gifted actually. But there's been a lot of alcohol, drugs and life that has happened since then and my brain's not what it used to be. I'm still pretty smart though, I think and I still learn new tasks quickly and easily so if I try real hard and stick with it, I believe I can do this.
Another part of me wants to just get a Business Degree which would enhance my current skills, the company I work for would possibly pay for part of it (very SMALL possibility) and I think it would be awesome to run my own business someday, whenever I figure out what the heck that would be. Maybe a lodge in the mountains, or a home for abused / neglected teens. So many possibilities and I'm so unsure of what direction to go in.
The Nursing field would be a totally different career path than the clerical / administrative jobs I've held for the past 25 years, but I could use that anywhere, go anywhere in the world with that. Maybe even could use it on the mission field....but then I tell myself I could also use the skills I currently have that way too. So as usual, I'm uncertain about what would be best for me. So I pray for guidance and I tell myself to be patient taht I don't have to make a decision on this today. I can just take something that I can use in whichever field I end up pursuing and that things will be made clear in time.
Maybe that's what I need right now, at least for a while longer. Maybe this is my mind's way of healing and recuperating, or maybe it's my way of just not dealing with my stuff. I don't know.
I keep telling myself I should go to some meetings. I always felt better after going to meetings when I was in recovery. But I don't know that I have the desire to stop drinking, so I feel like I don't belong there either. I am not convinced that I am an alcoholic. If I am, I most definitely have not hit "my bottom" yet and if this is as bad as it gets, it's not really all that bad.
What I really want is to work the steps, and get to the bottom of why I make the choices I do in relationships with men and to deal with the junk from my past, my low self-worth, my financial irresponsib ility, my over-eating, etc. There are many things I could use "recovery" from, but I'm not ready to say I will never have another beer or glass of wine, and maybe my refusal to want that is a sign that I am an alcoholic but I'm just not ready to believe that yet and it's where I'm at right now.
Maybe I should go to the Adult Child of Alcoholics group, or a Codepency group. There's a Celebrate Recovery group on Friday nights that I've been thinking of going to, it just seems that something always comes up on Friday nights and by the time I get off work on Friday, I lose the desire to go.
And then when I find my mind racing with all these thoughts and I'm feeling the uncertainty about where to go, what to do, what needs to change for my life to move forward....then I just get tired and try not to think so much.
I'm trying to get all the stuff together to start back to school in January and I'm really excited about doing that, but I still don't know what the hell I want to major in. Part of me wants to do nursing, because I think it would be interesting, there's a high demand in that field and the pay is good, but it's also VERY difficult to get accepted into the Nursing Program, and I can't help but wonder if I have what it takes to do that. I mean I was pretty smart in high school, gifted actually. But there's been a lot of alcohol, drugs and life that has happened since then and my brain's not what it used to be. I'm still pretty smart though, I think and I still learn new tasks quickly and easily so if I try real hard and stick with it, I believe I can do this.
Another part of me wants to just get a Business Degree which would enhance my current skills, the company I work for would possibly pay for part of it (very SMALL possibility) and I think it would be awesome to run my own business someday, whenever I figure out what the heck that would be. Maybe a lodge in the mountains, or a home for abused / neglected teens. So many possibilities and I'm so unsure of what direction to go in.
The Nursing field would be a totally different career path than the clerical / administrative jobs I've held for the past 25 years, but I could use that anywhere, go anywhere in the world with that. Maybe even could use it on the mission field....but then I tell myself I could also use the skills I currently have that way too. So as usual, I'm uncertain about what would be best for me. So I pray for guidance and I tell myself to be patient taht I don't have to make a decision on this today. I can just take something that I can use in whichever field I end up pursuing and that things will be made clear in time.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Beginning again
So much for trying again and giving us "one last chance". So much for committing to a month at least until I made a decision to stay or move out again, it only lasted 2 weeks. I moved back to M's house 2 weeks ago, and I've already moved back to my apartment. I guess I knew when I moved my clothes and stuff back there that nothing had changed really, and that it would end up being the same scenario as usual, but oh how I'd hoped and prayed that it would be different this time. I don't want to be single again, don't want another failed marriage, I just want the man I love to be honest, faithful, committed to us. But this man that I love? Less than 2 weeks into us "trying again" and giving it one last shot, he chose to get angry and sullen and sulky and distant and cold because I asked him for gas money to get to work and back. He gave me $40 Friday morning and seemed like he was ok with doing that. After all, I have been driving an extra 400 miles per week to work and back because I moved back where he wanted me to be, out in the boonies, away from my friends and church and work. It didn't matter that I had to spend an extra 2 hours a day in the car for my commute to work, as long as I came home to him at his house because he'd made it clear that he didn't even want to try again unless I lived there with him.
And I still had all the same expenses from living in the apartment because my lease is not up until the end of the year, and I still have rent, utilities, etc to pay on top of gas for an additional 400 miles a week. So asking for help for gas money didn't seem like it was unreasonable. But apparently he did. He didn't show up for the church event Friday night, was distant and cold all day Saturday, wouldn't go to church with me Sunday - and once I again I didn't even know what he was upset about, I just knew from experience that in his eyes I'd done something wrong, and he was punishing me for it with the emotional distance. This is the same man who came home from working out of town this week (Wednesday night) telling me how much he'd missed me in the 2 days he'd been gone and how happy he was to see me, had cooked dinner for me two nights in a row and given me love, affection and attention like he was head over heels in love with me.
THEN this is how he treats me all weekend because I asked for help with gas money??? And we couldn't even make it two weeks in the same house without something like this going on? I gave up. I came home from church Sunday, he barely spoke to me and went outside to work in the yard. I saw his car leave and he didn't even come inside to tell me he was leaving or where he was going or even ask if I wanted to go with him. So I decided that I was done, I quit, I give up. I went and repacked all the clothes, shoes and toiletries I'd brought with me when I moved back in and I put them in my car and I went back to my apartment. And I didn't even wait to tell him I was leaving. Part of me thinks this was a cowardly way to leave, but another part of me knows if I'd talked to him, I would have doubted my decision and whatever he said would end up making me feel foolish and immature and selfish, and I would have stayed. But after only 2 weeks in, I was already feeling unhappy and resentful of how much I was giving compared to how little I was getting back in the relationship. And I just don't believe love and marriage is supposed to be like that.
So I left my wedding rings on his dresser and got my things and left. And of course, here it is 3 days later and I haven't heard a word from him. I don't expect to either. In the past 7 years, he's never once pursued me or come after me any time that I've ever left. It's always been me seeking him out, going back to him, trying to make it work again.
Strangely I'm pretty much at peace with my decision to go back to my apartment and I hope this time it sticks and that I don't go back to him. I'm sad and disappointed and hurt that he still doesn't seem to be the man I've believed him to be, wanted him to be. But it's not his fault that I've been foolish when it comes to believing in something that is not reality. And I'm sad that if I ever decide to get involved with someone else again, it's going to be really difficult to start over and talk about my past and how I got to where I am today, and all the shame and guilt that goes along with all that.
I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I tried so hard to make this work in large part because I just can't even think about trying again with someone else, but that would mean the rest of my life with no one to snuggle with at night, or wake up to in the mornings or someone to be a partner with me when I get so tired of doing it all on my own. I dont want to have to think about getting in another relationship with a man and have to tell them "I've been married and divorced 5 times". What man would want a woman like that? It doesn't matter that the first time was at 15 yrs old, and who knows what it takes to make a marriage work at 15? I certainly didn't.
It doesn't matter that I've spent the past 30 years looking for unconditional love from a man, my knight in shining armor, that one person in the world who would "get" me and who would love me and cherish me and honor me and be committed and faithful and all that other stuff that goes along with marriage. It doesn't matter that all those times I thought I'd finally found him, it was through a haze of codepency and from a perspective of not having a clue how to love someone or how to let them love me. It doesn't matter that I never seemed to learn from my mistakes and that I chose the same man over and over five different times and kept trying to make it work by doing the same things over and over - yes, the very definition of insanity.
And I don't want to do that again. I know myself well enough to know that there WILL be someone else some day. But it doesn't need to be for a long time. I need to find peace and serenity within myself, in being on my own, and I need to figure out what makes me make the choices I do in men, I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to do the opposite of whatever it is I have done in the past, because obviously my judgement is screwed when it comes to men, and I need lots of time to figure out how to fix the broken places in me, time to heal and grow and love me again. So here I am again on my own, traveling down the only road I've ever known....starting over once more.
I've been here so many times, and what I think is different this time, is that there is no fear in it. There's no gut wrenching agony or tears or anger or depression. There is just acceptance that this is where I find myself now and I'm going to make the most of it in the days to come.
I have friends and family who love me and are always there for me, I have a great job, a cute affordable apartment, a nice dependable car to drive, a faith in God that is strong, and I trust that HE knows what He's doing here, and in time, I'll look back and see that this all had a purpose in the grand Plan of my life.
My future that is wide open and that is an exciting thought. I have so much to be thankful for - and I'm excited about starting back to school in a few months and learning new things and meeting new people and changing careers (whenever I figure out what it is I want to be when I finally grow up!) and in a lot of ways I'm happy and ready to face whatever comes. So let's roll!
And I still had all the same expenses from living in the apartment because my lease is not up until the end of the year, and I still have rent, utilities, etc to pay on top of gas for an additional 400 miles a week. So asking for help for gas money didn't seem like it was unreasonable. But apparently he did. He didn't show up for the church event Friday night, was distant and cold all day Saturday, wouldn't go to church with me Sunday - and once I again I didn't even know what he was upset about, I just knew from experience that in his eyes I'd done something wrong, and he was punishing me for it with the emotional distance. This is the same man who came home from working out of town this week (Wednesday night) telling me how much he'd missed me in the 2 days he'd been gone and how happy he was to see me, had cooked dinner for me two nights in a row and given me love, affection and attention like he was head over heels in love with me.
THEN this is how he treats me all weekend because I asked for help with gas money??? And we couldn't even make it two weeks in the same house without something like this going on? I gave up. I came home from church Sunday, he barely spoke to me and went outside to work in the yard. I saw his car leave and he didn't even come inside to tell me he was leaving or where he was going or even ask if I wanted to go with him. So I decided that I was done, I quit, I give up. I went and repacked all the clothes, shoes and toiletries I'd brought with me when I moved back in and I put them in my car and I went back to my apartment. And I didn't even wait to tell him I was leaving. Part of me thinks this was a cowardly way to leave, but another part of me knows if I'd talked to him, I would have doubted my decision and whatever he said would end up making me feel foolish and immature and selfish, and I would have stayed. But after only 2 weeks in, I was already feeling unhappy and resentful of how much I was giving compared to how little I was getting back in the relationship. And I just don't believe love and marriage is supposed to be like that.
So I left my wedding rings on his dresser and got my things and left. And of course, here it is 3 days later and I haven't heard a word from him. I don't expect to either. In the past 7 years, he's never once pursued me or come after me any time that I've ever left. It's always been me seeking him out, going back to him, trying to make it work again.
Strangely I'm pretty much at peace with my decision to go back to my apartment and I hope this time it sticks and that I don't go back to him. I'm sad and disappointed and hurt that he still doesn't seem to be the man I've believed him to be, wanted him to be. But it's not his fault that I've been foolish when it comes to believing in something that is not reality. And I'm sad that if I ever decide to get involved with someone else again, it's going to be really difficult to start over and talk about my past and how I got to where I am today, and all the shame and guilt that goes along with all that.
I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I tried so hard to make this work in large part because I just can't even think about trying again with someone else, but that would mean the rest of my life with no one to snuggle with at night, or wake up to in the mornings or someone to be a partner with me when I get so tired of doing it all on my own. I dont want to have to think about getting in another relationship with a man and have to tell them "I've been married and divorced 5 times". What man would want a woman like that? It doesn't matter that the first time was at 15 yrs old, and who knows what it takes to make a marriage work at 15? I certainly didn't.
It doesn't matter that I've spent the past 30 years looking for unconditional love from a man, my knight in shining armor, that one person in the world who would "get" me and who would love me and cherish me and honor me and be committed and faithful and all that other stuff that goes along with marriage. It doesn't matter that all those times I thought I'd finally found him, it was through a haze of codepency and from a perspective of not having a clue how to love someone or how to let them love me. It doesn't matter that I never seemed to learn from my mistakes and that I chose the same man over and over five different times and kept trying to make it work by doing the same things over and over - yes, the very definition of insanity.
And I don't want to do that again. I know myself well enough to know that there WILL be someone else some day. But it doesn't need to be for a long time. I need to find peace and serenity within myself, in being on my own, and I need to figure out what makes me make the choices I do in men, I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to do the opposite of whatever it is I have done in the past, because obviously my judgement is screwed when it comes to men, and I need lots of time to figure out how to fix the broken places in me, time to heal and grow and love me again. So here I am again on my own, traveling down the only road I've ever known....starting over once more.
I've been here so many times, and what I think is different this time, is that there is no fear in it. There's no gut wrenching agony or tears or anger or depression. There is just acceptance that this is where I find myself now and I'm going to make the most of it in the days to come.
I have friends and family who love me and are always there for me, I have a great job, a cute affordable apartment, a nice dependable car to drive, a faith in God that is strong, and I trust that HE knows what He's doing here, and in time, I'll look back and see that this all had a purpose in the grand Plan of my life.
My future that is wide open and that is an exciting thought. I have so much to be thankful for - and I'm excited about starting back to school in a few months and learning new things and meeting new people and changing careers (whenever I figure out what it is I want to be when I finally grow up!) and in a lot of ways I'm happy and ready to face whatever comes. So let's roll!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Indecisiveness
So, I made a decision to move back to my husband's house the week before last. He begged me to come home, I resisted, then went to church the next day and felt that I needed to give this one last shot to save my marriage. DH says we have no future, no marriage if we don't live in the same place, but his only choice is HIS house. Either I move home and we live together and work together on our marriage, or we are done.
Sounds harsh, huh? But I tell myself I love him, that I don't want to be single again, that I don't want to deal with another failed marriage and that maybe if I commit to trying it his way, that he'll eventually come my way.
I've been back there 9 days now and it feels like forever. Some days I think I'm getting used to it again and it's not so bad. Other days I think I'm dying inside again and that there's no way I'll ever feel completely comfortable or happy there.
Sounds harsh, huh? But I tell myself I love him, that I don't want to be single again, that I don't want to deal with another failed marriage and that maybe if I commit to trying it his way, that he'll eventually come my way.
I've been back there 9 days now and it feels like forever. Some days I think I'm getting used to it again and it's not so bad. Other days I think I'm dying inside again and that there's no way I'll ever feel completely comfortable or happy there.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Crazy night
My sleep patterns are screwed again. Last night was very fragmented. Kept waking up, tossing and turning, anxiety levels through the roof but couldn't put my finger on whatever was causing the anxiety. I'm sure a lot of it is my "double mindedness" when it comes to M and our relationship. Part of me wants to be with him, because I do love him and care about him and his heart and his family and his life, but a big part of me really just wants to be free, to get off the roller coaster I've been on with him ever since we started this relationship seven years ago. Part of me wishes I'd never met him and wonders how much different my life would be now if I'd never fallen in love with him. There have been some really good times between us, times that were the best I'd ever known, but sadly there have been so many more sad times, bad times, painful times, so much anxiety, confusion, uncertainty when it comes to him. I know he loves me, the best way he knows how to, and I would not want to hurt him for anything in the world. I wish we could just get on the same page for once and stay there.
Another cause for anxiety is my N (daughter) and my worries about her. I feel there is something weird going on with her since she started the Prozac. She was home briefly this weekend. Of course when she comes home I spend very little time with her since she stays out all night and sleeps all day. M told me she looks happier and more content than he's seen her in a long time, but I didn't see it. I'm just really worried about her.
Another thing is that I've started drinking again. The past two weekends I've drank far too much. Got a bad case of the fuck its and just gave in. But I can't say it's really been all that fun. And the little fun I've had has not been worth the yucky feeling in my body the next day, waking up sore and headachy and not feeling like doing anything at all. What a crappy way to spend the day on a beautiful fall weekend.
Anyway, back to last night. Every time I'd wake up, I would find myself praying "help me God, show me the way, I don't know what to do, I need you so much".... the last thing I remember before I fell asleep and actually got some rest is the words "Just do the next right thing - you know what that is", "Just take it one day at a time, just for today" and "rest in me".... I've heard these words many times in recovery and in church services, so if I heed them, maybe I can get this life back on the right track.
One thing I've been doing is spending way too much time on the internet at work and letting my work duties slide. So I've got to do better with that, if I'm going to do the next right thing.
Another cause for anxiety is my N (daughter) and my worries about her. I feel there is something weird going on with her since she started the Prozac. She was home briefly this weekend. Of course when she comes home I spend very little time with her since she stays out all night and sleeps all day. M told me she looks happier and more content than he's seen her in a long time, but I didn't see it. I'm just really worried about her.
Another thing is that I've started drinking again. The past two weekends I've drank far too much. Got a bad case of the fuck its and just gave in. But I can't say it's really been all that fun. And the little fun I've had has not been worth the yucky feeling in my body the next day, waking up sore and headachy and not feeling like doing anything at all. What a crappy way to spend the day on a beautiful fall weekend.
Anyway, back to last night. Every time I'd wake up, I would find myself praying "help me God, show me the way, I don't know what to do, I need you so much".... the last thing I remember before I fell asleep and actually got some rest is the words "Just do the next right thing - you know what that is", "Just take it one day at a time, just for today" and "rest in me".... I've heard these words many times in recovery and in church services, so if I heed them, maybe I can get this life back on the right track.
One thing I've been doing is spending way too much time on the internet at work and letting my work duties slide. So I've got to do better with that, if I'm going to do the next right thing.
Friday, September 4, 2009
TGIF
Well here it is...the day we wait for all week long....FRIDAY! Labor Day is Monday so it's the start of a 3-day weekend for me AND college football season kicks off tomorrow (ROLL TIDE). It's the weekend that most consider the "end of summer" and I'm feeling a little down about that. Can't say I've had much of a great summer. I moved into this apt complex so I could be able to enjoy the pool. I was really looking forward to that. To getting a good tan, and drinking and hanging out and meeting lots of new people. But when I stopped drinking, it just wasn't as much fun anymore, or if I did go, being at the pool triggered me to want to drink. So I've been a total of 4 times this summer.
I went to the beach once for a few days, and it was just ok. I tried to be fun and upbeat and have a good time, but honestly, I really didn't. I was two weeks into the IOP program and ended up drinking that weekend. It wasn't even that much fun because I just felt guilty about relapsing. And I still haven't learned how to have a good time without the alcohol. I've never been a really bubbly, fun, spontaneous person and I envy that in other people. The alcohol typically helped me to just feel "normal", and relaxed in social situations. I don't feel that much anymore.
I didn't get to go to the mountains at all this summer, or camping or fishing - which are the things I really enjoy most when I get to do them - and I only went on a couple of small hikes. I didn't go to the lake to swim or go out in a boat, didn't go on vacation or spend much time with my kids. So that is all the things I DIDN'T do this summer. Things I typically associate with fun times.
Learning how to live in this new way of life really sucks for me most of the time. I've had brief periods where I've been able to have fun and be myself, usually only with other people who are in recovery too, because they tend to understand and accept you for the most part.
It strikes me that all I'm focusing on today is what I DIDN'T do this summer. Now lets look at what I DID do.
First off, I left my husband (on my birthday in May - a gift to myself I believed!) and walked away from a life and a relationship that was killing my spirit, and dragging me down into a deep, dark depression and lifestyle of drinking and drugging. I was at a place that I didn't care if I lived or died and was losing all hope for a better life.
Funny thing is I'm still with him, we are still trying to "work things out", and I can see that in some ways he is really trying, but I get the feeling it may be too little too late. I just don't enjoy being with him anymore. There, I said it. I don't feel attracted to him, I don't find our conversations interesting or fun, sex feels like some kind of porn show with little emotional connection, and there's so much resentment and bitterness and anger toward him inside me that I don't know that I can ever get past that. I don't want to live in his house that he lived with his ex and raised his kids. It's out in the boonies (100 mile round trip each day to work and back for me), it's dirty, dark and depressing --- and I will never move back there. And he says he will never sell it or move away...so I'm still not sure what we're holding on to.
We are both such broken, hurting people. We used to be able to find comfort in each other, but too much has happened - too many lies, too many broken promises, too much disappointment and broken trust. I don't see us being able to get that back. Even if he did agree to sell his house and us buy something together closer to where I work, closer to church and friends and schools (for me to attend college)...still when I think about us living together again...all the silence and moodiness and controlling behavior and his porn habits, how I get when I'm with him - insecure, sneaky, moody, irritable, critical - I don't like the person I become. So I keep praying for guidance from God, and for me to be patient and not rush into anything I will regret and just take it a day at a time. So there's the one big thing I did for ME this summer.
And because of that I DID move into my own place, into a cute little apartment that I really love, and living alone for the first time EVER in my life (other than the times M or N is there). It's been a bit of a struggle financially, but that's only because of all the unexpected expense of N's being sick and all the doctor appts, co-pays, prescription costs, etc.
I DID complete a 6 week Intensive Outpatient Partial-Hospitalization Program for Recovery from Addiction and Chemical Substances. Yesterday was 60 DAYS clean and sober for me (I thought it was actually tomorrow, since my sobriety date is July 5th, but if I count days, my 60 day anniversary was actually yesterday.!! woo hoo!!). Funny how this past week I've had the strongest urge to drink, more so than at any time up to this point. Maybe it's something about the 60 day mark, thought I've heard that the 90 is harder to get than the 60. If so, I'm not so sure I'll make it.
I think I've started looking too far ahead, trying to figure out what the next weeks or months will hold, and I need to go back to focusing on living in the present, getting the most out of today, one day at a time!
I can see that I'm trying to give myself a reason to drink again. Telling myself that I've done good this summer, I've got my head clear, made some good choices and good decisions and now I can have some fun. But I also know that if I start back drinking again, I may can do it "moderately" for a while, but eventually it will get out of control again....drinking to escape loneliness and pain, spending too much money, the horrible hangovers, the losing days recuperating from a drunk that could be spent enjoying life, the pain in my body that I get when I drink too much, the depression because of the stupid things I do when I drink....and most importantly, the fact that I will fail in this thing called sober living, and my children will follow in my footsteps of living a life of chaos and confusion. I long to break the generational curse that's been on those in my family - and I hope to have it start with me.
I went to the beach once for a few days, and it was just ok. I tried to be fun and upbeat and have a good time, but honestly, I really didn't. I was two weeks into the IOP program and ended up drinking that weekend. It wasn't even that much fun because I just felt guilty about relapsing. And I still haven't learned how to have a good time without the alcohol. I've never been a really bubbly, fun, spontaneous person and I envy that in other people. The alcohol typically helped me to just feel "normal", and relaxed in social situations. I don't feel that much anymore.
I didn't get to go to the mountains at all this summer, or camping or fishing - which are the things I really enjoy most when I get to do them - and I only went on a couple of small hikes. I didn't go to the lake to swim or go out in a boat, didn't go on vacation or spend much time with my kids. So that is all the things I DIDN'T do this summer. Things I typically associate with fun times.
Learning how to live in this new way of life really sucks for me most of the time. I've had brief periods where I've been able to have fun and be myself, usually only with other people who are in recovery too, because they tend to understand and accept you for the most part.
It strikes me that all I'm focusing on today is what I DIDN'T do this summer. Now lets look at what I DID do.
First off, I left my husband (on my birthday in May - a gift to myself I believed!) and walked away from a life and a relationship that was killing my spirit, and dragging me down into a deep, dark depression and lifestyle of drinking and drugging. I was at a place that I didn't care if I lived or died and was losing all hope for a better life.
Funny thing is I'm still with him, we are still trying to "work things out", and I can see that in some ways he is really trying, but I get the feeling it may be too little too late. I just don't enjoy being with him anymore. There, I said it. I don't feel attracted to him, I don't find our conversations interesting or fun, sex feels like some kind of porn show with little emotional connection, and there's so much resentment and bitterness and anger toward him inside me that I don't know that I can ever get past that. I don't want to live in his house that he lived with his ex and raised his kids. It's out in the boonies (100 mile round trip each day to work and back for me), it's dirty, dark and depressing --- and I will never move back there. And he says he will never sell it or move away...so I'm still not sure what we're holding on to.
We are both such broken, hurting people. We used to be able to find comfort in each other, but too much has happened - too many lies, too many broken promises, too much disappointment and broken trust. I don't see us being able to get that back. Even if he did agree to sell his house and us buy something together closer to where I work, closer to church and friends and schools (for me to attend college)...still when I think about us living together again...all the silence and moodiness and controlling behavior and his porn habits, how I get when I'm with him - insecure, sneaky, moody, irritable, critical - I don't like the person I become. So I keep praying for guidance from God, and for me to be patient and not rush into anything I will regret and just take it a day at a time. So there's the one big thing I did for ME this summer.
And because of that I DID move into my own place, into a cute little apartment that I really love, and living alone for the first time EVER in my life (other than the times M or N is there). It's been a bit of a struggle financially, but that's only because of all the unexpected expense of N's being sick and all the doctor appts, co-pays, prescription costs, etc.
I DID complete a 6 week Intensive Outpatient Partial-Hospitalization Program for Recovery from Addiction and Chemical Substances. Yesterday was 60 DAYS clean and sober for me (I thought it was actually tomorrow, since my sobriety date is July 5th, but if I count days, my 60 day anniversary was actually yesterday.!! woo hoo!!). Funny how this past week I've had the strongest urge to drink, more so than at any time up to this point. Maybe it's something about the 60 day mark, thought I've heard that the 90 is harder to get than the 60. If so, I'm not so sure I'll make it.
I think I've started looking too far ahead, trying to figure out what the next weeks or months will hold, and I need to go back to focusing on living in the present, getting the most out of today, one day at a time!
I can see that I'm trying to give myself a reason to drink again. Telling myself that I've done good this summer, I've got my head clear, made some good choices and good decisions and now I can have some fun. But I also know that if I start back drinking again, I may can do it "moderately" for a while, but eventually it will get out of control again....drinking to escape loneliness and pain, spending too much money, the horrible hangovers, the losing days recuperating from a drunk that could be spent enjoying life, the pain in my body that I get when I drink too much, the depression because of the stupid things I do when I drink....and most importantly, the fact that I will fail in this thing called sober living, and my children will follow in my footsteps of living a life of chaos and confusion. I long to break the generational curse that's been on those in my family - and I hope to have it start with me.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Rain, rain go away
So, this is my first blog post. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing or how this will look, but I'll get it over time. I've been feeling like I should do this for a while now. I've been reading a lot of blogs since I've been in recovery, and there are so many out there in blogger land that speak to my heart, that say just what I'm feeling, or what I need to hear. And in this time of me trying to make sense of my thoughts, feelings and emotions I thought maybe this would help sort some of the junk out. I've kept a journal off and on over the past 7-8 years but I've become lazy and just don't feel like writing much anymore.
I think maybe that typing my thoughts and feelings will be easier than writing it down in a notebook. My handwriting is like chicken scratch. No one would ever be able to decipher it but me. Maybe that's the point?
I woke up this morning to the sound of rain out my window. A dark dreary day, yet I felt God call me to wake up and spend time with Him. I read my Bible - just turning to random pages and reading what's there which is what I've always seemed to do. Never been one to systematically study a particular book or chapter or verse or topic. I just always want to "hear from God". I'm sure there's a better way to do this, but at least I'm trying. Trying to cultivate some "spriritual discipline" from the chaos that is in my mind most of the time. Yet 3 hours later I have no clue what it was I read.
And then I got down on my knees beside the bed to pray. I still feel somewhat disconnected though. Even though I've "been a Christian" for all these years, still I'm not sure what to say to Him, how to pray. The thought comes to me that there's really no "right or wrong" way, just talk to Him. So I did. Can't say that I felt better afterwards, but I do have faith, and I believe God hears my heart and knows that I'm seeking Him.
I have my Aftercare group meeting tonight. I'll have 60 days clean this Saturday. Just in time for the first Bama football game of the season. I've always looked forward to football season, and having fun with friends, drinking, going to games....but now I can't help but wonder how much fun it will be without the alcohol. I feel like I'm doing the BUDD thing - Building Up to Drink or Drug. I haven't been to a meeting all week, since group last Thursday night. First week since I graduated from the IOP program that I haven't made a meeting. So much for 90 in 90, huh?
I haven't talked to my sponsor either. I just don't feel a connection to her and I always think she's too busy to deal with me. I know she has 5 other sponsees and as long as I can keep from drinking, I feel that I'm doing ok and don't need to talk to her. So most times I just don't call. She's been my sponsor for about 6 weeks now and I've seen her face to face maybe 4 times, and only then when I go the meeting at her home group. I don't get much out of our conversations when we do talk. I don't see how she can get where I've been or where I am. I don't know. Maybe that's just me and this inpenetrable wall I keep up between the real me and everyone else.
I've been to a lot of different groups and meetings in the past 2 months, both AA and NA. I still don't have a "home group" and don't know which kind of group I should belong to. I don't feel like I FIT anywhere. But I haven't really been anywhere consistently either. I get a lot out of listening to the others, but I don't "share" very often, and I rush away from the meeting as soon as it's over. Just can't do the "small talk" thing. And then I also look around and have to ask "do I REALLY belong here? Is this really me?" I think some of these people trade one addiction (chemicals) for another (meetings, "way of life", etc) but then again some people do that with religion too and I have to admit I can be guilty of that. Telling myself that all I need is God and that I'm not like these other people and don't need these meetings. But I also feel very close to relapse, especially this weekend coming up, so I'm going to try to make it a point to get to some meetings this weekend.
I miss my IOP group so much. Out of the 5 of us who became very close through that time, 3 have gone back out and the other is in a halfway house. He and I are the only ones still sober as far as I know. It's sad, and frustrating too. They seemed so strong, and I counted on those friends to help keep me straight. I just knew that I had found others that I could relate to and build relationships with, and we could help each other through this new way of life. It just hit me that maybe I'm the one that supposed to be reaching out to them. I guess I should do that.
But in a way I'm jealous that they are finding the comfort that I wish I could find and I know it would not take much to get me to go back out too. Because I'm just not finding peace or happiness in sobriety. I long almost every day for a glass of wine, or a few beers, just to take the edge off. I thought after this much time it would get easier, but it's not. I'm not finding much "fun" in life these days. I keep thinking about "The Promises" and believing that I can have those for my life too, then my group leader in After Care tells me that those don't come until somewhere around Step Nine. WTF??? I'm only on the first step. I don't know if I can wait that long! The antidepressants the docs gave me don't seem to be working anymore and are in fact making my vision blurry, and throwing off my hormone balance so that I have miserable hot flashes too.
It seems all I have that I can truly count on and cling to from one moment to the next is God's love for me, and trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will. So just for today God, Grant me the Serenity please?
I think maybe that typing my thoughts and feelings will be easier than writing it down in a notebook. My handwriting is like chicken scratch. No one would ever be able to decipher it but me. Maybe that's the point?
I woke up this morning to the sound of rain out my window. A dark dreary day, yet I felt God call me to wake up and spend time with Him. I read my Bible - just turning to random pages and reading what's there which is what I've always seemed to do. Never been one to systematically study a particular book or chapter or verse or topic. I just always want to "hear from God". I'm sure there's a better way to do this, but at least I'm trying. Trying to cultivate some "spriritual discipline" from the chaos that is in my mind most of the time. Yet 3 hours later I have no clue what it was I read.
And then I got down on my knees beside the bed to pray. I still feel somewhat disconnected though. Even though I've "been a Christian" for all these years, still I'm not sure what to say to Him, how to pray. The thought comes to me that there's really no "right or wrong" way, just talk to Him. So I did. Can't say that I felt better afterwards, but I do have faith, and I believe God hears my heart and knows that I'm seeking Him.
I have my Aftercare group meeting tonight. I'll have 60 days clean this Saturday. Just in time for the first Bama football game of the season. I've always looked forward to football season, and having fun with friends, drinking, going to games....but now I can't help but wonder how much fun it will be without the alcohol. I feel like I'm doing the BUDD thing - Building Up to Drink or Drug. I haven't been to a meeting all week, since group last Thursday night. First week since I graduated from the IOP program that I haven't made a meeting. So much for 90 in 90, huh?
I haven't talked to my sponsor either. I just don't feel a connection to her and I always think she's too busy to deal with me. I know she has 5 other sponsees and as long as I can keep from drinking, I feel that I'm doing ok and don't need to talk to her. So most times I just don't call. She's been my sponsor for about 6 weeks now and I've seen her face to face maybe 4 times, and only then when I go the meeting at her home group. I don't get much out of our conversations when we do talk. I don't see how she can get where I've been or where I am. I don't know. Maybe that's just me and this inpenetrable wall I keep up between the real me and everyone else.
I've been to a lot of different groups and meetings in the past 2 months, both AA and NA. I still don't have a "home group" and don't know which kind of group I should belong to. I don't feel like I FIT anywhere. But I haven't really been anywhere consistently either. I get a lot out of listening to the others, but I don't "share" very often, and I rush away from the meeting as soon as it's over. Just can't do the "small talk" thing. And then I also look around and have to ask "do I REALLY belong here? Is this really me?" I think some of these people trade one addiction (chemicals) for another (meetings, "way of life", etc) but then again some people do that with religion too and I have to admit I can be guilty of that. Telling myself that all I need is God and that I'm not like these other people and don't need these meetings. But I also feel very close to relapse, especially this weekend coming up, so I'm going to try to make it a point to get to some meetings this weekend.
I miss my IOP group so much. Out of the 5 of us who became very close through that time, 3 have gone back out and the other is in a halfway house. He and I are the only ones still sober as far as I know. It's sad, and frustrating too. They seemed so strong, and I counted on those friends to help keep me straight. I just knew that I had found others that I could relate to and build relationships with, and we could help each other through this new way of life. It just hit me that maybe I'm the one that supposed to be reaching out to them. I guess I should do that.
But in a way I'm jealous that they are finding the comfort that I wish I could find and I know it would not take much to get me to go back out too. Because I'm just not finding peace or happiness in sobriety. I long almost every day for a glass of wine, or a few beers, just to take the edge off. I thought after this much time it would get easier, but it's not. I'm not finding much "fun" in life these days. I keep thinking about "The Promises" and believing that I can have those for my life too, then my group leader in After Care tells me that those don't come until somewhere around Step Nine. WTF??? I'm only on the first step. I don't know if I can wait that long! The antidepressants the docs gave me don't seem to be working anymore and are in fact making my vision blurry, and throwing off my hormone balance so that I have miserable hot flashes too.
It seems all I have that I can truly count on and cling to from one moment to the next is God's love for me, and trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will. So just for today God, Grant me the Serenity please?
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